He Saw Me: The Woman at the Well

This weekend I was on a two-day retreat with several members of my learning community. We were drawn into the story of Jesus and the woman at the well in Samaria by one of the pastoral spiritual directors who were ministering to us at the time. I closed my eyes and listened as John 4:1-26 was read aloud. The most poignant part of the story for me, (that is, the point at which I believe healing began within this woman) occurred when Jesus saw her. Here I relay this moment through her eyes:

*****

A strange and wonderful thing happened to me this morning. I was seen. Not by the darting, shifting eyes of the uncomfortable neighbors wanting to get away from me as quickly as possible, nor by the scornful elders wishing to renew the law of stoning, nor by the fearful gaze of the children who were told horror stories so they wouldn’t draw near me when I passed in the heat of the day. I was looked at, seen, by a Man. No man has ever seen me as the One today. I have never seen such eyes!

When that Man looked at me, He was not ashamed. He was not brazen either. I was not a filthy garment to be trod upon or a pestilence to be avoided. I was not an object to be possessed and used and abused and then discarded on a whim for a younger, prettier model. 

No. That Man saw me. He saw me! 

His eyes did not trace my figure or burn with ravenous desire; His eyes met mine and lingered. His eyes were compassionate. A softness like the feather of an eagle, and the tenderness of a nursing mother emanated from His inner being when, with those precious, searching eyes, He saw me.

Surely this is no ordinary man.  Surely this Man is Messiah.  Surely He is my Savior.

*****

It struck me as I listened to this story that the majority of Jesus’ miracles begin when He sees someone. Not only is their physical request for healing met, but because Jesus sees every aspect of their lives, He reaches out to the whole person, healing body, mind, spirit and relationships within their communities and family systems. As I meditate on this particular passage, I am struck by how transformational this woman’s encounter with Jesus is. Her shame, solitude, and physical distress are all taken away. She is embraced by the community for sharing the truth of her encounter, and many come to faith in Jesus as Christ, the Savior of the world, on account of her testimony. After encountering Jesus, she no longer has to make a lonely journey to draw water outside of the city in the heat of the day, and her community feels the love of God and knows that the Savior has come near. Every family and community structure in town is turned upside down and healed because Jesus saw the real need.

Tears overflow as I am moved by the powerful heart-knowledge that this same Jesus who saw the woman at the well sees me today. Even when I struggle to see the truth through the layers of my own tumult, I can take comfort in knowing that I am being seen for who I am, and the eyes that behold me are the eyes of Love. Thanks be to God!

Shifting Directions: A Call to Stillness on the Journey

One day while walking with a friend through a local botanical garden, I found that she was, as Frederick Buechner puts it, getting lost in her own rhetoric . She spiraled around and around in her self-depreciating thoughts and pontifications as we quickly walked along a stony pathway. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed another path, one without the sharp, noisy stones, but lined instead with soft, supportive bark shavings. I leaned in the direction of the smaller, curvy trail to our left and invited her to join me. The chatter stopped as suddenly as the noise from our footfalls ceased echoing through the wooded area. Our breathing slowed as we were engulfed in the peaceful area near the ravine. Even from several feet away, I could feel her blood pressure lowering and saw the wildness drift out of her eyes. I slowed my gait and breathed deeply until we became still and listened to the fluttering wings of a nearby jay bird. The call of a raven hovered on the gentle breeze, and then it was still.


After a length of time I quietly entered the silence with a verbalized rumination on the beauty of that place, noting that I had come down that particular trail several times when I needed Mother Nature to break the cycle of chatter in my mind. We continued standing there for a long moment, allowing ourselves to be filled by the presence of our Creator. As I slowly began making my way around another bend in the pathway and I heard her soft footfalls behind me, I noted that when life seems to be overwhelming to me, I search for things to be grateful for – usually from the things that we often take for granted, like the ability to walk, speak, think, run, breathe, and the presence of running water, food, clothing, shelter, the ability to see this beautiful scenery and to reach out and touch it, receiving the sensations through my fingertips without feeling pain. I let the words remain speaking in the silence that followed until we returned to the path of stones and let the rhythmic sound fill the rest of our time together.

At the end of our walk through the garden, my friend noted the intensity of the shift between the spiraling chaos that she had entered into and the serenity she was led into through the simple change of direction. It was as if, she said, I had physically grabbed hold of her heart and yanked it out of the darkness and brought it into the light which, at that moment, she had almost forgotten existed. Although I had neither physically touched her nor pushed her into the light, the change of atmosphere had brought the shift in an immediate and striking way. As soon as the surrounding atmosphere was quiet, her spirit became suddenly aware of its own foolish chatter and it ceased making noise. She thanked me for drawing her out of herself and back into the world again.

The truth of the matter is that I am only able to do for others what has already been done for me. My Lord showed me when I was very young that the quickest way to escape the chaos, whether it be around or inside of me, was to change my direction, to listen to the creation around me, and through the avenue of nature to listen to my Maker’s heartbeat and align my own with that of the Divine. I pray that you will be blessed by relationships with people who know when to bring you into the realm of peace and stillness. You will be tremendously blessed when you enter the silence that draws you into the Light of Love and Peace. May the Lord grant you rich times of fulfillment and the joy of discovering yourself in the awesome heartbeat of our Loving Creator! Let it be through the power of the Holy Spirit, through Jesus’ name to the glory of our Great and Glorious God, amen.

Soul-seeking in the Spirit of Truth

In response to a dear friend's concern that they might be spending too much time inside themselves and not enough time in prayer, I wrote the following piece.  I believe it speaks to many who are seeking to be faithful but have received the message (either directly or indirectly) that they should renounce themselves and strive to become someone else.  I am reading a book by Parker J. Palmer entitled Let Your Life Speak:Listening for the Voice of Vocation and I find that I resonate with much of what he is saying within the first few chapters.  Parker's book helped me identify how best to serve my friend in response.  I may have more reflections as I work my way through this text.  For now, I share my developing views and encourage you who read not to be afraid to dive deep into your own inward parts.  If you find that your early woundings or in-depth conversations with your heart are difficult, I encourage you to consider locating a professional counselor, (many of whom work on sliding scales) and/or a trained spiritual director in your area.  I can tell you from experience that these well-trained professionals are tremendously helpful in seeking health, wholeness and peace.  Blessings to you along your journey.  May we all come to know that we are the beloved children of a loving and gracious God!

*****
Beloved ~

I certainly understand the heart's tendency to "turn inward rather than upward" in the alone times, but perhaps this is exactly part of the plan to find closer fellowship with our Lord. It is easy to get the impression from outside influences, (and even Christian churches) that our inward self, (heart, mind, spirit) have been completely tainted by sin and have to be harnessed or escaped from in order that we might willfully become obedient to Christ's orders for us. The more time I spend with myself and soaking in the Word, (particularly the Psalms, Song of Songs and other Hebrew Scriptures) the more I am discerning that our inward parts which were "knit together in our mother's womb" have been uniquely created for us to be able to process, interact with and reach out to the world around us. Beloved, we are not turning away from God when we turn to listen to our heart beat, we are acknowledging the amazing handiwork of our Creative and Gracious Lord. "I praise You for I am fearfully and wonderfully made," says the psalmist, we "know that the Lord is God, [for] it is He who made us and we are His". Certainly there are times when our hearts are hardened or our spirit is wrestling with the Most High, but I believe these times are the exception rather than the rule.

Trust the Teacher within your heart. Our Lord has promised never to leave or forsake us, has promised to give us hearts of flesh not of stone, and has promised that the Holy Spirit will be our continual Teacher, Comforter, Guide and Friend -- searching our inward parts and constantly interceding on our behalf. As long as you remain open, you will not be led astray when you look within, for the Lord is guiding your discernment and processing, and is using this time to prepare you for the tasks that lay ahead.

When you are remembering things that happened to and around you during your childhood and early adolescent years, the Holy Spirit is guiding your inward parts into new alignment, healing old wounds, working to strengthen and uphold you with Her victorious right hand. When you are remembering the words that you have heard in the classrooms, worship settings and Bible studies throughout the years, the Great Teacher is solidly fixing the Word to your inward parts, letting it shape each heart beat, influence your mind and helping you to come to love yourself deeper. Remember, Beloved, that we are called to love our neighbor as ourself, and thus we need to develop deeper and more sincere love for every part of ourselves so we can develop love, kindness, compassion and mercy for the people, animals and world around us. When we come face to face with times where we have left something undone that probably should have been done, or done something one way when we likely could have done it better, these are not times for us to become self-effacing, but rather they are times when we can connect with the people around us who see themselves and others as broken so that we will not judge but instead offer the mercy, grace, compassion and healing that our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ offers to all people.

My dear undergrad professor and mentor used to say that the journey inward and the journey upward will, eventually, lead to the same place. The more time I spend inside myself, (as I have done a great deal of this summer, not without some turmoil, questioning and frustration) the more I come to sense that this saying is deeply rooted in Scriptural truth. Soul-seeking is a way of listening to the Holy Spirit, a way of cherishing the Breath of Life which flows from the Living God, and a way of acknowledging that "the earth is being filled with the knowledge of the glory of God as the waters cover the sea". I believe our inner tumult is a way of stretching our view of who God is and opening us up to more fully comprehend how very great the salvation of incarnation: (the birth, life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ) truly is. The Holy Spirit is present within you and around you, Beloved in Christ. Do not doubt but believe that our Lord who created you, who knit you together in your mother's womb, who called you by name before you were born, who has a plan to prosper you and not to harm you, who calls you friend, child and beloved, this same Lord is working within your inward parts, aligning them with Her own heartbeat, filling them with His light and love and peace, and preparing you for the many challenges that lie ahead in your journey.

Peace be with you, Beloved.

I love you and lift you up in prayer every day. Your name lies on my makeshift altar (coffee table draped with precious cloth, sprinkled with sweet oil, and arranged with art, photos, Scripture, candles and symbols of our faith) and I trust that the Lord is already guiding this process of discernment and self-reflection. This is all for His glory. Trust the process; it is Spirit-filled.

Sleeping In Saves the New Quarter

Well, the new quarter began today. After the great tiredness I felt at the end of last term I thought I would never be caught up on my sleep. My good friend, who is a natropathic doctor, posted a blog entry on the importance of sleep in proactive healthcare and prevention.  I read it just as I was nearing the end of the term and found myself mourning the loss of a good night's sleep. The days felt long and dreary and the nights felt short and fretful. But before I knew it, my papers and finals and journals were all complete and I was thrown into Spring Break nearly a week early, rewarded for my hearty efforts and nearly-sleepless nights. As I type this evening I simply want to note what a difference a few good nights of sleep can make!

Today, after nearly two full weeks off, I began the new term. As I drove across the bridge into Seattle the sun broke through the clouds and I found myself singing joyful songs of praise and thanksgiving for the gifts of friendship and learning. I let a few straggling cars into the turning lane and was delighted in the colors of the opening flowers by the side of the road; even the dandilions and lost drivers seemed to be a Divine blessing. Those are not exactly my thoughts when the nights are too short, but today, after several full nights of sleep and a long weekend away, visiting family with my husband, I can say that all feels well.

We have three students who are taking their first class at FNW in American Church History and I am delighted to be of some assistance to them. Now that I have been at FNW for two terms full time and have been balancing work, school, family and church, (though admittedly I'm still lacking in keeping connected with friends outside of school and sometimes get a little sleep-deprived) I feel equipped enough to share my experiences (even though I'm still relatively new to the school) with them and am excited to be in a position of mentorship. Mentoring is one of my giftings and something for which I am passionate. I love to care for others and to assist them along their life's journey, particularly when I have recently been in similar shoes as theirs.

I pray that our Lord might work through me and the other folks in the class who have been around for a while so that our community might be more cohesive and supportive. I pray that our new quarter might be filled with joy and love and laughter and learning, and that we all might benefit greatly from our time at FNW. I pray for our smaller Systematic Theology course, that we might be more fully equipped to be church leaders as we discern what the definition and purpose of church is, and that as we look toward the end time study of eschatology we shall be filled with the great Christian hope that, as Julian of Norwich says, "all shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well".

Today marks a most excellent beginning to the new quarter! Sleeping in certainly has saved the day.

Starting Fresh

I have been AWOL from the blog world for some time now. Sorry. I'd like to begin anew and attempt to keep track of my joys and sorrows as I continue working on my MDiv at Fuller Seminary Northwest, (hereafter referred to as FNW) nannying part time, participating in worship as part of the Frankincense Community, painting, singing and songwriting, and nurturing my relationship with my husband. I'll do my best to stay on top of things and to post regular updates for family and friends here.

Shalom.

Scary Stories

While reading a bedtime story to one of the children I nanny, I found him snuggling up close to me. At one point, he hid his face in my shirt and said, "I'm scared". I reassured him of my presence by drawing him closer to me and letting him hear my voice telling him that I was there. Then, with him in my arms, I continued on with the story; -- Granted, I did skip some of the violence, but read enough that he knew the climax of the scary part. -- He breathed a sigh of relief as the conflict began to resolve and opened his eyes to see the full resolution and illustrations at the end. When it was all over, he had many questions and a story of his own to share.

I suppose I would have stopped the story if his stress level had become too high, of probably even if he had asked me to stop reading. Yet, he wanted to know how it would all turn out in the end, and he trusted me enough to know I would stop if it was absolutely too much. I was greatly pleased that he chose to cling to me as his nanny and storyteller, rather than running somewhere else. The fact that he could tell me he was scared showed me he trusts me to acknowledge his feelings as valid, and to embrace him when he's down. Even if he couldn't look at the pictures, he still knew the story because I was there sharing it with him.

Maybe we can all learn a little something from this child. When life is like the story that was a little scary, maybe we can bury our face in the garments of our Lord. Let us trust that we will not be rejected, but that instead, we will be received with love and gentleness. Let us have trust and confidence in our Lord to know how the story ends and to tailor the problems to what we can handle in our spiritual maturity level. And may we come to feel the presence and hear the voice of our Lord in whatever times we find ourselves in.

In Jesus' name,
amen.

My Refuge and My Rock

A woman enters the chapel holding a well-used, tattered Bible. She had nearly worn it through with her reading. Passages were highlighted and underlined, notes were made in the margin and prayers permeated every fiber of its pages. The Bible was gripped so tightly her knuckles were white. Approaching the front of the chapel, nearing the altar, the woman cried out. Her jaw was set and her cheeks tear-streaked. With all her might she flung the Bible down on the ground and addressed her Lord.

“What is the purpose of this thing?! Are these stories just here to mock me? Stories of all the miracles you can do but won’t?! Sarah – an old woman given a healthy, beautiful child and becomes the mother of our faith. Hannah - the barren woman is given a child, a strong and mighty prophet, even. Elizabeth – the woman said to be barren is filled with the child who heralds the coming of our Lord. Mary – a woman who hasn’t even known a man is filled with a child by the power of the Holy Spirit. Miracles and healings, and births abundant are here in this book, yet this world is filled with illness and death and grief and women who cannot conceive.”

She sighs, lowers her eyes and weeps bitter tears. She is in great anguish and struggling deeply. She has wept countless times for a great many people, but today the pain she feels is her own. There is a deep, inner turmoil that she must express, that she must bring to her Lord.

“Do you think that this struggle will make me leave you?! Is it possible that you allow a trial to take place to test my faith?! Do you expect me to refuse you, or to call upon another?! No, I tell you. I will not leave you. I will not forsake you. I will not deny you by any means. Though my health may fail, though all around me perish, though my womb remain void of the child I so desperately desire, though my dreams be shattered and taken away, I will cling to you. Though the battles round me rage, though I be cut down, though the storm takes everything I own, still I will cling to you. You are my Lord, there is no other. Nothing will tear me from your arms. Here I stand, I can do no other, heaven help me, amen.”

She opens her eyes. She didn’t even realize they were closed. She is not in the chapel at all, but in her own home. She has poured out her soul to the Lord, has fought a battle which threatened to consume her, and arisen stronger than she ever knew she could be. It is a battle that rages each month, one whose fierceness is determined by what she has encountered along the journey of life, and is most fierce around the solstices when she is already engaged in spiritual warfare. The battle often leads her to question her relationships, her body, her sanity and her faith, but always the battle is won and she stands victorious in the end. The questioning only lasts for a brief time, but God’s steadfast love endures forever, and in that love she places her trust.

This is the story of my heart, a look at my faith and one of the struggles I face. May all who come to read it know that you are not alone in whatever struggle you face. May you know that you can bring anything to your Lord and Savior. May you know that you will never be rejected, but will always be met with open arms from a God who loves you. And may you know the peace and hope that flows from the heart of the Beloved this day and forever more.

For we also rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disapoint us, because God's love has been poured into our hearts by the Holy Spirit that has been given to us. (Romans 5:3-5)

Amen.