Reflecting on a Dream

Tomorrow I head to the coast for a discernment retreat with a very dear friend of mine.  This evening, as the last bits of light from the daylight slowly fade and the shadows of nightfall once again cover the land, I have found myself pawing through my journal pages.  What might the Spirit might illuminate for me to ruminate upon?

This entry leaps off the page into my psyche.  This is what my spirit is swirling over this evening...

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Sunday, the 17th of March, 7:15 p.m. -- Today I presided at The Lord's Table for the first time.  I am very blessed to be in a church where "the priesthood of all believers" is not just theory but praxis.  This beautiful congregation at Murrayhills Christian has blessed me beyond belief.

First Day Presiding - 17 March 2013 - Photo by Matthew Wynne

I have dreamed of this day since I was three.  Very few dreams stick with us persistently for that long.  This dream, and visions of myself as pastor, have gone through ebbs and flows of urgency over the years.  Certain aspects, (like pay, setting, denomination, location) have gone through significant transformation over the years -- particularly in the years leading up to, and during, seminary.  Still, the dream of presiding at the Eucharist Table -- breaking the bread and blessing the cup in the Jesus tradition, extending an open invitation to all -- has remained as a constant.

Earnest Anticipation & Fulfillment of Lifelong Dreams

I have earnestly longed to share this meal with you!

These are Jesus' words as he lifted the bread above His precious head during the final Passover meal of his ministry.  These are the words I will speak early tomorrow morning as I lift the bread and wine at the altar in Murrayhills Christian Church.

How long I have waited to share this meal with you!  I have dreamed of this very moment from the time I was three years old. 

This is what has been going through  my mind ever since I was asked to lead communion and to speak the words of institution over the bread and wine on this day.  I have an almost child-like giddiness bubbling up within my spirit as I contemplate the honor I have been given by being asked to preside at the Table.  Like the great women of old: Miriam, the first worship leader of Israel after the Exodus; Hannah, the barren woman giving thanks for the gift of a child of promise and prophecy; and Mother Mary, giving thanks for the salvation of all humankind, my spirit is filled with songs of praise and joy at the fulfillment of a lifelong dream.

Eucharist - A Meal of Thanksgiving - Photo by Trista Wynne

As I pray and consider the Scriptures etched in my heart, my imagination fills out what might have been going through Jesus' mind, the things He wanted to say but couldn't for one reason or another, on that evening so many years ago...

You don't yet know the importance of this meal.  You've been celebrating it all your lives, and yet the Spirit of God still has more light to shed on your hearts and minds.  Our Beloved in Heaven is working, even in this very moment, to bring the Kingdom of Peace and Love to the earth through you.  And it starts here, with this bread, with this wine, with the sharing of this meal.  The Kingdom of God begins with you.

Signs of New Life

Beloved ~

As we journey through the middle of the winter time, I have found it hard to remember the light of your love.  My soul has often felt like it was swirling in a thick fog or meandering about in the darkness, lacking direction and confidence.  Such have the months been since graduating from seminary and asking what is next.  Here, though, in these last few days, it seems that your Spirit has been stirring and opening new doors.  I have now sold my second painting: "The Tree of Life".  A shining reminder that You are in the midst of making all things new, I feel like you have affirmed my pathway of artistic and creative endeavors.  I am filled with peace.

Painting, "The Tree of Life" by Trista Wynne

In the same day, as I opened the door to walk onto our back patio, I noticed that the bulbs I planted shortly after we arrived in this place are now beginning to sprout!  I am so very thankful for these signs of new life and promise.  These simple signs remind me of your presence, even in the swirling questions regarding my purpose and the reasons for moving back to my childhood hometown.

The questions remain, but at least I don't feel like You are very far away.  Even if I have to continue waiting, I am comforted in the reminder that You are here, in the shadows and fog.  You are watching and waiting right alongside of me.

Perhaps that is the reminder that you gave during the epiphany so many years ago -- a sign of your love and light, your very Presence wrapped in human flesh, shining in the midst of the dark night.  You are not so very far from any of us, are you?  For all of these signs of new light and life, thank you.

Photo by Trista Wynne

Joy in the Season

Beloved,

Thank you for the laughter of little ones to begin my day.  Thank you for the precious gifts of your flowers and fruits.  As I walked this morning with the baby I nanny, we were delighted to watch the crows and robins soaring in the air. 


Tiny fingers stretched forth from the stroller to grasp and examine the lovely periwinkle flowers poking through a chain-link fence.  The humming of the bumble bees on the last bit of blooming lavender brought squeals of joy from us both.  And all I can say is thank you. 

May tomorrow's observations of Your creation be just as blessed, in Jesus' name, amen.

A Cup of Contentment

As I continue my summer vacation, or more precisely, as I begin to relax into the atmosphere of an unhurried relaxation period, I find myself re-entering contemplation.  I was never very far from it, but there are times in the school year when contemplation must be placed to the side and a paper must be written despite not coming to a satisfactory conclusion.  The more schooling I receive, the more I am aware that I have an insatiable appetite for learning.  There is always more room to grow, and always deeper to dig.  Perhaps no paper is truly ever finished.  Time constraints and word counts place limitations on our expression, but each new class stimulates my mind and heart in ways that intimacy and passion arouse the body.  What a precious gift it is to be able to attend seminary!

Some people will ask me when I will be done.  I've even caught myself wondering this from time to time.  But graduation is not the goal.  Ordination is not even the end.  No.  Even those things are just marking places of new beginning.

A New Creation: Life, Death & Resurrection for All

Beloved,

These last few days have been filled to the brim with contemplations regarding life, death and the communion of saints.  Such contemplations and percolations have been generated by a great many things even over the last few years, to be sure.  Particularly poignant have been the experiences of loss of loved ones, the study of the Scriptures and church history, the immersion into zombie culture that my husband and I have entered in Seattle, and observations we have of the world and society around us. 

There is much confusion in our culture about what constitutes life and what death truly is.  Your word has much to add to this discussion.  I pray, Dear One, that the hope found in Your promises will be preached, and that new life will be openly received here in this place.

Joining together of Old and New: Praying for Healing and Unity of the Generations in the Church of Christ

"Strong Roots" - Photo by Trista Wynne

Beloved,

My heart is downcast within me.  I miss my time with my grandma, and I long for encouraging interactions with the elder generations around me.  You graciously have provided me with several neighbors with whom I am interacting on a regular basis who are in the generation before me, and we learn so much from one another.  I do, however, long for the wisdom and encouragement that came from my grandma.  With her I felt safe and accepted for who I was.  I was never afraid to admit a wrongdoing or a mistake, for we could often laugh together about something similar she had done when she was my age.  She had many stories to tell me that brought history to life.  I always learned something new when we were together.  She deeply valued our relationship as well. 

My stories and adventures brought her great joy and she was always delighted to hear about the new things that I tried.  We even had many adventures where we tried new things together.  New recipes and outdoor exploring sites came forth out of our mutual desire to learn and to grow.  She saw You in me, and she listened attentively as I explored the truths that Your Spirit was speaking.  We prayed together often, and she opened up Scriptures to me in exciting, tangible ways through her life stories.  We were respected, valued and loved.  Perhaps this is why, even though we didn’t see one another every week, when we were together, it was as though we had never parted.  I look forward to the time when we will be reunited together in Your Holy Kingdom, when all things are made new in the fullness of time.

"New Breath" - Photo by Trista Wynne

My heart is downcast, though, because relationships like this are hard to come by in Your Church today.  The elder members neglect to encourage the younger generations and neither group respects the other.  I see the need for something new for Your Church to enter into the future, but know that You have not equipped me for building or sustaining; You have created me as a visionary, a dreamer, a creative spirit whose exuberance and delight in You might inspire others to bring forth this new thing that is percolating on the edges of the present day.  And so, dear Lord, I invite others to join me in the following prayer so that we might enter into this glorious future well-equipped for the mission work that You have given Your peoples to accomplish.  We pray for unity and healing so that the world may know that You are Love!

We pray, dear Lord, that you might bring the generations throughout your Church together so that the younger generations might receive encouragement and mentoring, and the older generations might feel appreciated and valued.  We pray for healing of the wounds which each party has inflicted upon the other.  Wherever we have contributed to these wounds, we pray for grace and forgiveness.  Grant us the wisdom and the courage to join together, to share our stories and to listen prayerfully to one another so that together we can enter into the blessed future that You are preparing for your worldwide Church.  We pray for denominational and generational borders to gently fade so that a new, vibrant, united Church might be seen and that, as Your Beloved Son prayed, we might be known by our love of one another. 

"Beauty in New Life" - Photo by Trista Wynne

May You, O Lord, raise up from among us prophets and visionaries, builders and activists, and developers of sustainability.  May we work together so that future generations will look back upon our time and see Your Sophia-Spirit moving through what we pray, say and do together.  May it all be for our Beloved's glory in Christ Jesus.

Empowered by the Holy Spirit, we pray this in the name of Jesus the Christ, and we desire Your glory above our own.  Amen.

Christ is Risen! Alleluia!

Ah Beloved,

Today we celebrate Your resurrection from the grave! We lift songs and dance and all kinds of exuberance as we remember all that You have accomplished through Your birth, life, death, resurrection and ascension. We look forward to the time when You will come again to complete Your new creation. Maranatha! Come, Lord Jesus! Amen.



Although the audio quality is a little low, (a simple voice recorder was left in the pews while we prepared to lead this song) I still think you'll enjoy it. The worship team, bell choir, organist and choral groups of the church all worked together to craft this 2009 version of a familiar Easter hymn. Special thanks to the people of St Peter's and Frankincense for their love and prayers over the years. We remember our time together fondly.

The video here visually walks through Palm Sunday and the slowly darkening week we have just been through. Beginning with the palm fronds, then progressing through images of fall, and the bitter cold of winter, I wanted to remember through pictures the journey of Holy Week. The sun sets and photos from a local cemetery remind us of the sad day when our Lord was crucified, died and was buried. These images soon give way, following a burst of lightning, to the glorious joy of new life that we find in the resurrection.

A brilliant display of springtime color reminds us that we are in the season of growth. We now find ourselves looking forward to the delightful days of summer, just as we await the fullness of time when all things are finally made new, and there is no more pain, sorrow, loss, war or bloodshed. We are in an in between time, somewhere between light and shadows, living as fully as we can in the here and now while always keeping a watchful eye for the unfolding of the glorious Kingdom of our Beloved.

Blessings to you all on this most holy of days.

Happy Easter, 2011.

Preparing for New Life: Creation in Utero at Passover

Beloved,

As I read Matthew’s account of the gathering for Your final Passover meal, my dear friend is on her way to the hospital to deliver her youngest child.  My time is near.  Make the preparations.  Your words are echoed on the lips and in the keystrokes of my dear friend, the sweet mother, during the final days of her pregnancy.

A man with a water jar will meet you…tell him My time is near.  Your words flow forth just after a woman has poured out her entire life savings onto Your feet.  An alabaster jar of sweetly perfumed oil drenched Your tired feet and soothed Your aching muscles, and this dear woman freely gave her complete devotion through her kisses and tears.  She is preparing long before Your male companions, and You invite them to join in her work so that You can accomplish all that You have been given to do.

"New Life Springing Forth" - Photo by Trista Wynne

Washing, anointing, feeding, serving – these are the things that my dear friend has been doing in preparation for the new life that is coming into the world.  And now, having just spoken of Yourself as a desolate Mother Hen who laments the scattering of her chicks, You are doing the same.  As the ultimate expression of humanity, You embody masculine and feminine together unashamedly.  You, Divine Mother Jesus, are preparing for the new life that is coming.  The birthing process will be painful, and You will suffer greatly, but as You say, when the mother’s eyes behold her child, she forgets all of the pain.  She only feels love and joy.

May Your new creation come to know how very much we are all loved, O Mothering God!   May we know how much joy we bring to You!  May we all come to You for True Food and True Drink, and may we teach others to do the same, through the Holy Spirit, amen.

Butterflies, Sunshine & Wide-Eyed Anticipation: Watching for New Life in Lent

Precious Beloved ~

Originally I had a fairly clear plan as to what I would do today, but I was willing to let go of my preconceived ideas of what the day would hold, and the entire day has been tremendously blessed. I trust that this is indicative of my lifelong journey as well, and at this time, of my worship life as we approach this new endeavor and unanticipated pathway. Your Holy Spirit blows where She will, and all I can do is be willing to watch for signs of Her action in the people, earth and creation around me, and to listen to my heart's response in order to find where I am called.

This is what journeying through Lent is all about -- releasing our ideas about what should happen and allowing You to work as You so desire. In Christ we see Your heart, O God! Through the promptings of Sophia-Spirit, all of our theological assertions and analogies simply fall to the ground like the palm branches of holy week; they are trampled so that the seeds of love might be pressed into the ground and a new creation can spring forth as we declare, "Hosanna".

Today, although I had distinct plans of where I would go and to whom I would speak, You, Beloved, had a different idea, and I am so very glad that You did. Through the unanticipated conversations, the blessed sunshine and the wild weather that followed, Your presence was truly palpable. What a lovely tryst it was!

As I grabbed my camera and sprung out into the delightfully sunny afternoon, I had the butterflies in my belly of a young lover who catches a glimpse of the one they long for more than life itself. I thought I might burst with joy and anticipation of the coming thing! Whatever was coming, I knew it was going to be tremendous. So I found the quickest way to enter the garden to capture the radiant reflections of Your glory which infuses each flower with beauty. I could hardly remain in my seat for the car ride, and virtually leapt forth onto the nature trails to soak in Your light.


"Joyful Illumination" - At the Botanical Garden - Photo by Trista Wynne


My mind feels like the earth which is in the midst of being pushed aside for new life to spring forth, and every fiber of my being vibrates with songs of delight. What is this new creation that I sense is coming? What sort of new life will spring forth within, through or around me? Like a child nearing their birthday, or a lover who has been asked to cover their eyes, I wonder, and I yearn, and I dance while I wait.

The storm clouds roll in and rain pours down but still I watch and I dance and I wait. Lightning flashes and thunder sounds, and yet I watch, I dance and I wait. Snow flurries swirl and darkness flows around, and still I watch, I dance and I wait. What is this new life about to spring forth? In Lent, I watch, I dance and I wait.

On Earthly Transitions: Ponderings about the Pursuit of the New World

Good evening, Beloved!

I wonder what You are observing this evening. What things are in the hearts of people across the globe as they pursue their rights and equality? Are they encouraged or frustrated by the process? Why aren’t the governments willing to relinquish their power? Are we willing? Will their freedom mean the end of our status as “top dog”? Will that be a bad thing?

"Earthly Transitions" -  Photo by Matt Wynne

Although I do not specifically wish for it, and will grieve that day, I know that history shows us that our time has just about come to a close as an empire. I wonder what the new world, (post US empire) will look like. What languages will we speak? Who will assume authority? Will we have any humility at all or will we fight to the bitter end?

Oh Beloved, I wonder many things, but mostly I wonder how You view these upcoming transitions and if You have any particular words or a message to be shared. I wonder if the church leaders will look to You or to themselves for truth, guidance, understanding and peace. What about the governmental leaders? What about Your peoples?

May we all turn toward You! May we incline our hearts, minds and spirits towards You! May we look to Jesus for wisdom, and to see and to follow Your Way of Love! May Your Spirit of Grace and Life be stirring up within our core as a part of Your world-wide Church! Amen.

Empty or Full? – A Lament and Prayer for Corporations, Countries and Church

Ah, Lord, as I consider the large entities and the individuals who are being hurt or overlooked by them, I wonder about the state of the world… Why does the “healthcare” industry build more and more edifices to glorify themselves while the community clinic struggles? Why does the mega-church continue to grow while the small church, which cares for the community, suffers? Why does the corporation grow and the family shop fail? Dear Lord, why is it so?

The large entities have nothing of lasting value! They are impersonal, greedy, self-serving gluttons feeding on unsuspecting prey. The victims don’t even run and hide from the heartless beasts awaiting their souls! They wait in lines impatiently hurrying to be devoured whole!

They are like animals without sense! Or worse, they are zombies devouring one another on account of the infection of the corporations they serve! Who will wake them from their stupor? Who will save the next generation from their clawing grasp? Who will speak for You and free these zombies from their infection? Who will come and heal the poisoned land and clean the polluted water? Who will bring equity and break the shackles of greed and power? Who will restore shalom throughout the earth? How long, O Lord, must we wait for our salvation? How long until all peoples can hear Your voice? Won’t You send a messenger again? Won’t You release Your Spirit of Truth to speak throughout the nations? Won’t You heed the cry of broken peoples, the wounded, the deprived, the poor, the senseless, the lost and the empty who think they are full?

The Egyptian tyrant has fallen; good! But who will take his place? Does the military have any more compassion than he? Will an elected official have integrity and pursue peace? Does our government provide any hope for the rest of the world desiring freedom? Do we know what we’re doing? What do You think as You watch this unfold? Will You intervene and bring a hopeful future to this people longing for light? Are Your seekers prepared to follow Your lead?

What about South Sudan, Lord? Are You working in their midst as this country prepares to be birthed? Will Your desire for peace and justice and love and equity be heard in this newest of countries? Are Your followers called to a particular action for them?

How, O Lord, are we to work for peace, justice, equity and love throughout the world when we don’t even have it at home? Our own country is found to be lacking when it comes to the simple task of providing everyone with food, clothing, shelter, security, medical care and psychological, emotional and spiritual support. Why, then, do we think that we can tell othe countries how they ought to act? Lord, who do we think we are?! We are not You!

Your Church (worldwide) however is called to act on Your behalf. Are we acting in ways that show the world what You desire? Can the world look at us and see You?  Or are we, like helpless plants, simply frozen in winter, longing for spring?

"Longing for Spring" - Photo by Trista Wynne

O Lord, I know that I am an imperfect being, but I do desire to be likened unto You. And many others in Your Church, who are also imperfect beings, are also desiring to be likened unto You. Dear Lord, although we cannot attain this perfection as individuals, I do believe that You are in the midst of granting it to the entire gathering. I pray, Lord, that through Your immense love and mercy, we might all learn how to reflect You, or rather, to become so transparent that You would easily be seen. In order for this to happen, Lord, I believe that we need to empty ourselves of the desire even to exist, because in this desire, we serve our own desires instead of Yours. Help us, Lord, as an entire community across time and space, to be willing to be emptied and to let You fill us with Yourself.

What would “church” look like if we really acted as though You were with us and not far removed from our midst?  For now, we, like the little rosehips above, are simply caught between seasons, half-frozen in the winter of waiting, but desperately longing for the warm spring-breath of Your Holy Spirit.  We wait with Jesus’ name on our lips, whispering prayers for Your grace.  Maranatha!  Come, Lord Jesus, and stir us to newness of life.

Good Grief: A Response to Westberg's Classic

Having just read through Westberg’s classic booklet entitled Good Grief for class, I wanted to briefly capture the moment and record where I am this evening. It is October, the month of birth for a child I nannied who died several years ago. When I was caring for him and another beautiful boy about the same age, I was in the final stages of recovery from the loss of my own children through miscarriage, and found time with them extremely healing. So, when the one child died, I felt the grief both of being his caregiver and the mother I would have been if my own children survived pregnancy. Only a few short months later, I received my long-awaited Associate’s degree and my husband and I moved out of state so I could attend a four-year college. This was our first time away from our childhood town, church and family, and so we grieved this transition, even though it was for a good purpose.


This was a complicated and difficult road of grief, one on which I, and my husband had, very few confidants in our new place; it was a road which threatened to tear my husband and I apart, since neither of us had experienced anything like it before. Gradually, though, we learned how to discuss our feelings, our fears and our furies, and to work through our respective grief together, and began to build relationships in our new community.

It took me several years before I could accept a nanny position with an infant again. I had several other jobs, including a few nanny positions, that I took in the time between, some fulfilling, others less-so, but all filled with healing, self-awareness, growth and opportunities to care for others. Now I care for a child who is almost two-and-a-half, and I have been his nanny from his ninth month of age. I am filled with joy whenever I am with this child, and sense the Spirit of God blessing our time together.

I remember that for a time after we first moved here, it seemed that nothing could have chiseled away at the dark night of my soul. Now, though, those days are a distant memory. Tears do occasionally come to my eyes when I encounter a beautiful child about the age that my own kiddos would be now, or when I see an early-elementary aged boy with unkempt blonde hair sticking out every which way, reminding me of the baby I had nannied.  Tonight I can hear his sweet nick-name for me, see his face and hands covered in spaghetti sauce, and feel the warmth of his head resting in the crook of my arm as I would rock him to sleep with his teddy bear.  These memories are indeed very sweet, even though my eyes grow moist as I type them.

Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if my children were with me today. They would be about at the age of reading on their own and doing science experiments in the kitchen. I certainly do not know why they are not here, but I trust that God knows and trust that they know how much they are loved even though we have never met outside of the realm of deep meditation or the occasional dream.

I may not have the life I envisioned several years ago, and I still wait for the day to come when the sounds of tiny footsteps are heard in our living room late into the evening, but beyond these losses, my life has continued. I am stronger and willing to be more vulnerable than I ever was before, and I find that both qualities lend themselves beautifully to the work of counseling, teaching, and pastoral ministry. Because I have walked the valley of the shadow of death, I know the value of life and, more often than not, do not sweat the insignificant problems. Patience and quietude and peace have been more deeply embedded in my spirit as a result of my trials, and I do what I can to share these gifts with others who I encounter along life’s pathway. Deep in my heart, throughout my life, I have felt the touch of the Great Physician: Jesus, my Lord, and I look forward to continuing to share His healing grace with you here in this online space where together we can seek quiescence and serenity in the midst of a chaotic world.

I pray that in the deep wounds of your life, you also are able to feel the gentle, healing touch of our Savior, to be filled with the peace of the Holy Spirit and to receive the deep, abiding joy that flows forth from a life rooted in the faith in our loving and compassionate Creator who holds all things, even those things we don’t understand in strong and capable hands.

Sleeping In Saves the New Quarter

Well, the new quarter began today. After the great tiredness I felt at the end of last term I thought I would never be caught up on my sleep. My good friend, who is a natropathic doctor, posted a blog entry on the importance of sleep in proactive healthcare and prevention.  I read it just as I was nearing the end of the term and found myself mourning the loss of a good night's sleep. The days felt long and dreary and the nights felt short and fretful. But before I knew it, my papers and finals and journals were all complete and I was thrown into Spring Break nearly a week early, rewarded for my hearty efforts and nearly-sleepless nights. As I type this evening I simply want to note what a difference a few good nights of sleep can make!

Today, after nearly two full weeks off, I began the new term. As I drove across the bridge into Seattle the sun broke through the clouds and I found myself singing joyful songs of praise and thanksgiving for the gifts of friendship and learning. I let a few straggling cars into the turning lane and was delighted in the colors of the opening flowers by the side of the road; even the dandilions and lost drivers seemed to be a Divine blessing. Those are not exactly my thoughts when the nights are too short, but today, after several full nights of sleep and a long weekend away, visiting family with my husband, I can say that all feels well.

We have three students who are taking their first class at FNW in American Church History and I am delighted to be of some assistance to them. Now that I have been at FNW for two terms full time and have been balancing work, school, family and church, (though admittedly I'm still lacking in keeping connected with friends outside of school and sometimes get a little sleep-deprived) I feel equipped enough to share my experiences (even though I'm still relatively new to the school) with them and am excited to be in a position of mentorship. Mentoring is one of my giftings and something for which I am passionate. I love to care for others and to assist them along their life's journey, particularly when I have recently been in similar shoes as theirs.

I pray that our Lord might work through me and the other folks in the class who have been around for a while so that our community might be more cohesive and supportive. I pray that our new quarter might be filled with joy and love and laughter and learning, and that we all might benefit greatly from our time at FNW. I pray for our smaller Systematic Theology course, that we might be more fully equipped to be church leaders as we discern what the definition and purpose of church is, and that as we look toward the end time study of eschatology we shall be filled with the great Christian hope that, as Julian of Norwich says, "all shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well".

Today marks a most excellent beginning to the new quarter! Sleeping in certainly has saved the day.

Starting Fresh

I have been AWOL from the blog world for some time now. Sorry. I'd like to begin anew and attempt to keep track of my joys and sorrows as I continue working on my MDiv at Fuller Seminary Northwest, (hereafter referred to as FNW) nannying part time, participating in worship as part of the Frankincense Community, painting, singing and songwriting, and nurturing my relationship with my husband. I'll do my best to stay on top of things and to post regular updates for family and friends here.

Shalom.