Showing posts with label listening. Show all posts
Showing posts with label listening. Show all posts

Monday, November 18, 2013

Vacuuming, Planting and the Intangibility of Ministry

In the last couple of months, a good portion of my time has been dedicated to helping to develop a contemplative prayer service on Wednesday nights in my worship community and aiding in the guidance and supervision of religious development of senior high youth in an inter-religious fellowship.  Online development of blogs, social media networking and the planning and implementation of worship services all take time.  The effectiveness of this spent time, however, is not always able to be quantified or evaluated.  The support of ministry is somewhat intangible.

During this time frame since my weekday job came to an end, I have used a large portion of my time in soul-searching, the tending and healing of old wounds, evaluation of my intended career pathway(s) and filling out applications and online inquiries for job postings that look like they may be fulfilling for me.  Since I have not yet found a position that fills these weekdays, much of my free time has gone towards housekeeping and self-care.  Just as the support ministries listed above, neither of these things are really able to be evaluated.  Although a clean house is nice, it doesn't stay that way for long.

While vacuuming this morning, my soul once more was directing its attention to our Creator.  I was inquiring about the direction in which to travel to bring economic security to our household (although my husband is working full-time, I need to bring in at least a partial income to supplement what he provides while I await my ordination and, hopefully, full-time ministry work).  Continuing in my housework, I simply watch and wait on the Beloved's response.  The Spirit had something to say today as the vacuum passed to and fro on the office carpet.

All is intangible, She whispered.  All that I have called you to in this time is preparing you for the intangibility of ministry.  You plant the seeds of faith in every kind of soil that I place in front of you.  You preach and teach, you hold the hands of the wounded and broken, you guide and advise the peoples who are looking for direction, you pray for everyone you see and hear, and you point people towards My work in your midst.  But that is as far as your work can go.  Everything else is up to Me.

My thoughts turned towards the bulbs I planted last fall and those that I added to the soil this fall.  Not all of them will sprout.  Some have already been stolen by the squirrels who need a little extra sustenance for their winter nests.  Others simply do not have the DNA structure within them to support a full blossom in the warm months.  A couple of them have already started to sprout and their tiny shoots will be frozen over when the winds of winter blow through.  I have no control over any of those factors.  Granted, I can cover the ground with chicken wire or stones to attempt to thwart the advances of the squirrels, and I can insulate the tender shoots with peat moss and leaves to try and protect them from winter's effects.  But, in these preventative measures, my options are limited simply on account of our dwelling in a rental property.

Planting in my Garden - Photo by Trista Wynne
I understand why some church leaders and certain personalities are drawn towards the tangibility of membership numbers and financial contributions.  These things are quantifiable.  They can be judged and thus give some people a goal towards which to proceed.  We've saved x number of souls this month and baptized y converts, some might boast.  Our staff includes more people than you have attending your congregation, another might say.  Competition sets in and self-assurance soars -- that is, until the numbers begin to decline and self-identity begins to spiral downward.

The ministry that Jesus calls me to is not one that appeals to that sort of power jockeying.  My identity can not be based on such things.  I have come to learn that my self-image needs to stand on its own, content to be dwelling in the arms of our Beloved.

Perhaps this is why I have been called into this time of transitional rest.  As my soul and mind are gently healed from the wounds of old and I am working towards ordination, I am called to lay my cares and concerns into the hands of the One who is guiding my path.  I am simply called into Relationship.  This is my preparation for ministry, so that I can firmly say with the apostles of old:
For my part, I am going to boast about nothing but the Cross of our Master, Jesus Christ. Because of that Cross, I have been crucified in relation to the world, set free from the stifling atmosphere of pleasing others and fitting into the little patterns that they dictate. Can’t you see the central issue in all this? It is not what you and I do—submit to circumcision, reject circumcision. It is whatGod is doing, and he is creating something totally new, a free life! All who walk by this standard are the true Israel of God—his chosen people. Peace and mercy on them! (Gal. 6:14-16, The Message)

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Release into Beloved's Arms: A Body Prayer

"Shibashi: Gazing at the Moon"
Photo by Matthew Wynne

Sometimes, dear ones, I get all tangled up in knots, and it is difficult to connect with God.  Wondering what the future holds, furrowing my brow at things from the past, feeling lost and tumultuous in the present -- these things all change my body's posture.  With muscles tense and heart shut tight, I dig my heels into the ground, preparing to wrestle with Spirit.  In moments like this, I cannot love the Lord with all my heart, soul, mind and strength nor can I love others as myself.  Love, like all emotion, is all bound in the knots within.

In times like these, I speak to my body.  I find it extremely helpful to connect mind, body and spirit together in preparation for the Presence of Beloved.  In one of these times I recorded this meditation poem, a body prayer, in my journal.  May it wash over us and transform our posture so that the Beloved's presence might be made known.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Navigating the Waters

Beloved,

I've had some rough days as of late, several that I have struggled to write about in my private journal, let alone to distill and record here on this prayer blog.  My spirit and my body have been tied up in knots.  You and I have been striving, it seems.  And I have been loosing my perspective on the world, getting caught up in the stormy seas of the newscasts, the dark stories from friends and relatives, the hardships faced by many whom I deeply care for, and now have received some difficult-to-digest words.  Trying to write about it all makes me tired.  I am very tired...

My nanny family is down to one income.  They are hoping to return to two soon, but as a courtesy to me, they have let me know that I may need to begin seeking other options, just in case.  With my husband already without a steady source of income, (though You have certainly provided through odd jobs and caring for family members in these last few months) this news makes us very nervous indeed.

I confess, Beloved, that You have always provided for me and for us.  I also confess, Beloved, that I still struggle to trust that Your provision will continue.  It has very little to do with you, and very much to do with the unpredictability of the people and the world around me.  I have experienced rough waters along the river of life and have learned that many people are not trustworthy, and so, this dis-trust enters into my relationship with You, not because You have shown Yourself to be untrustworthy, but because I have a defense mechanism up (that You know very well) and I want to protect my spirit from the harm of disappointment...

Beloved, thank You for understanding.  Thank You for comforting me through the snuggles and purrs of my kitties this evening.  Thank You for my beloved husband holding my hand.  Thank You for holding me through his arms.  Thank You for smoothing the rough waters.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

The Calling of Your Light

Beloved ~

The sun is shining brightly today, something it hasn't done in months.  Week after week, the dark clouds have hovered, threatening rain, reflecting the heaviness and teariness within me.  Today, though the clouds have parted; gentle breezes have carried them away, perhaps to some weary land desperately in need of moisture and shade.

Although the clouds have parted, my weariness remains...

Photo by Trista Wynne
A branch blocks the light, keeping our bedroom from being filled with the sunshine.  I'm tempted to run outside with a hacksaw or to break it off by hand.

My soul needs the light.  My eyes need the light.  My body, my heart, my mind need Your Light.

The light remains outside.  The sunshine's rays are filtered by the tree branches, only partially reaching my eyes.  And yet, even in this half-light, I am being comforted.  I find a smile beginning to tug at the corners of my mouth and my lungs filling a little deeper with Your Spirit.

Friday, December 28, 2012

Lightening my Spirit

This evening, Beloved, I spoke with a very dear friend about life, death, cycles of rebirth, dementia, Alzheimer's, cancer, suicide, depression, care-taking and the like.  I shall contemplate the details of our conversation for quite some time...

For now, I want to note how much taller and broader and lighter I feel.  The tentacles of the dark shadow that has been looming for several months seem to be receding.  I almost felt as though I were growing wings while speaking to my dear sister in Christ.  She certainly lifted my burden of sorrow.

It seems that few people are able to discuss death and loss as realities of life.  Either they become disconnected and talk simply about the facts, which removes them from the situation emotionally, or they become so involved as to become a further hindrance to my grief process.  Few have been able to listen deeply, to be vulnerable with their own experiences and still refrain from "stealing the show" or comparing their grief to mine in a way that turns the conversation towards them.

It is hard to find compassionate, pastoral listeners.  But You brought me to three this week.  One in particular remained with me long into the night.  She is the reason I am writing.

I am blessed beyond words by our conversation and time together.  I am very grateful that You have brought us together for these days following Christmas.  Like the tiny snail here, I feel a bit like I have been brought to a safe haven.

Photo by Trista Wynne
I am surrounded by people who know me intimately.  They are providing me with emotional and spiritual shelter in the midst of the storm of grief.  Thank You, Beloved, for giving me a bit of new life and for lightening my spirit during this time of communion with Your peoples.  Amen.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Life, Death & Renewal

Beloved ~

It's been several days since I've last written here... well, several days since I've written anywhere, really.  The last week or so has been filled with a tremendous sadness as I wonder whether this will be the last Christmas with a few of my loved ones.  There have been joyful moments, too, and I am very grateful for the presence of a dear friend visiting my husband's family and my family both over these Holy Days.

Still, the shadow of grief continues to hover.  Sometimes it looms large and ominous, covering everything with a bluish-black hue.  Other times the shadow is a hint on the corner of my eye, just far enough out of my direct sight not to impede my vision, but lingering in the periphery nonetheless.  I am always aware of its presence.

It has been said that the thing that sets humans apart from other animals and plants is the knowledge of and contemplation regarding our own mortality (and that of others).  I am not convinced that we are alone in such knowledge.  I've seen enough pets near death to see such knowledge in their eyes and have felt their spirits reaching out much as ours often do in our final days, weeks and months.

Part of me often wonders about the plants that You have created.  Do they have some sense of self-awareness?  This is a question I don't think any of us can answer for certain.  One thing that is certain, though, is that the blooming flowers are with us one moment and the next are returning to the earth from which they sprang forth.  New life often comes up out of the soil in the very same spot, sometimes right away, sometimes after a great deal of time has passed.
Photo by Trista Wynne

The return of the flower to the earth is a vital part of the eco-cycle.  The new plants receive nourishment from the plants which have grown before.  And the petals and leaves which now line the earth give the little seedlings much needed protection against the elements until they are able to branch out on their own.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Within our Darkest Night

Beloved,

I continue to experience the dark night of the soul.  Little has any draw or appeal.  I eat because my body makes me, not because it is at all desirable.  I move and get out of bed because I am needed.  But I have no oomph.  My spark, my fire, is flickering as though in a violent wind.

Can anyone help to lift the burden of despair this morning?  You, O Lord, know.  And what of the sea of emotion churning so rapidly within?  How can words begin to express them?  They are nonsensical. And so is the task of attempting to articulate them...

*sigh*

I wish I could feel Your Presence, Dear One.  Today I feel far from you.  I trust that You are near, but something is in the way of my hearing of your heartbeat.

Clear the air, Beloved.  Until I can see, hear, smell and feel You again I will wait.  I wait and watch for the light of the Dawn.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Sitting on the Shore: Preparing for Retreat Time

"Sitting in the Sand" - Photo by Trista Wynne

This weekend I will be heading to the beach for a personal retreat: just me, the waves, a little cottage and my God.  The labels give you an idea of what the last few months have been like as I've donned the cap and gown of seminary studies, (wrapping up the final quarter this summer -- halfway through today) pondered the last ten years, (I've been married for a decade now) thought about whether or not to move back near or into our childhood town, been wrestling with a change of direction in my calling, figuring out how best to support aging parents, and pondering a whole host of other topics.  Wondering what is in store for, I simply record a little prayer before returning to my packing.  I wonder what this weekend will reveal...


Beloved,

It's been a little while since I've felt your presence in a palpable way.  I see glimpses of You in the faces and actions of the dear ones at my internship site, and Your love and grace are evident in this place.  And yet, it seems that You and I have been separated for a time.

Questions and chaos about the present and future seem to swirl around me.  Have I gone into hiding on account of the storm?  Are You in the midst of it?  Have You  been listening?  Have I been talking to You?  Have I been listening?

The winds and debris are swirling so wildly.  Questions of "helpful" people wanting me to land on a direction pummel me like tsunami waves.  I have enough doubts to make Your Thomas look like one who never questioned.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Butterflies, Sunshine & Wide-Eyed Anticipation: Watching for New Life in Lent

Precious Beloved ~

Originally I had a fairly clear plan as to what I would do today, but I was willing to let go of my preconceived ideas of what the day would hold, and the entire day has been tremendously blessed. I trust that this is indicative of my lifelong journey as well, and at this time, of my worship life as we approach this new endeavor and unanticipated pathway. Your Holy Spirit blows where She will, and all I can do is be willing to watch for signs of Her action in the people, earth and creation around me, and to listen to my heart's response in order to find where I am called.

This is what journeying through Lent is all about -- releasing our ideas about what should happen and allowing You to work as You so desire. In Christ we see Your heart, O God! Through the promptings of Sophia-Spirit, all of our theological assertions and analogies simply fall to the ground like the palm branches of holy week; they are trampled so that the seeds of love might be pressed into the ground and a new creation can spring forth as we declare, "Hosanna".

Today, although I had distinct plans of where I would go and to whom I would speak, You, Beloved, had a different idea, and I am so very glad that You did. Through the unanticipated conversations, the blessed sunshine and the wild weather that followed, Your presence was truly palpable. What a lovely tryst it was!

As I grabbed my camera and sprung out into the delightfully sunny afternoon, I had the butterflies in my belly of a young lover who catches a glimpse of the one they long for more than life itself. I thought I might burst with joy and anticipation of the coming thing! Whatever was coming, I knew it was going to be tremendous. So I found the quickest way to enter the garden to capture the radiant reflections of Your glory which infuses each flower with beauty. I could hardly remain in my seat for the car ride, and virtually leapt forth onto the nature trails to soak in Your light.

"Joyful Illumination" - At the Botanical Garden - Photo by Trista Wynne

My mind feels like the earth which is in the midst of being pushed aside for new life to spring forth, and every fiber of my being vibrates with songs of delight. What is this new creation that I sense is coming? What sort of new life will spring forth within, through or around me? Like a child nearing their birthday, or a lover who has been asked to cover their eyes, I wonder, and I yearn, and I dance while I wait.

The storm clouds roll in and rain pours down but still I watch and I dance and I wait. Lightning flashes and thunder sounds, and yet I watch, I dance and I wait. Snow flurries swirl and darkness flows around, and still I watch, I dance and I wait. What is this new life about to spring forth? In Lent, I watch, I dance and I wait.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

The Way of the Beloved: Journeying through Lent - 1st Sunday 2011

Tonight at Frankincense we read from Genesis, the story of the time when humanity chose a way that was different from the path You laid out. An alternate ending was presented from Rabbi Kushner, one in which there was no decision to turn away. There was simply Eden.

In his alternate ending, there was no extreme sorrow, but pleasure was also lacking. With every need met and no experience of pain or suffering, I wonder if we would ever have grown to love You. Would we have grown to love one another? Would we love ourselves?

What would this life look like if there was no sin or separation or hiding between us? Or are any of these things actually here now? Sin is supposedly the separation from You, but Beloved, is there a place in existence where You are not? The psalmist would contend, and the prophets agree, that such a place does not exist. So what then is sin? Julian says it is of no substance at all. If separation is the definition, then I think she is right, for wherever we travel, You, Beloved, are with us.

"Lenten Feet" - Photo by Trista Wynne

This brings me back to the Genesis passage. What really happened there? Where, if anywhere, did You go when the woman was speaking with the serpent? Were You hidden from sight? Why would You hide when their biggest decision ever was being made?

But this apparent absence is what Lent is about, then, isn’t it? We remember Jesus’ struggle and painful wandering out in the desert during a time of utmost importance in His earthly ministry. In that time were You hidden? The text is silent on the subject, saying neither that You were there, nor that you were absent beyond the physical presence of Christ. We get no clear indication that there was a separation of Your communal nature until the agonizing cry from the cross. But even there, was it separation or perception? Are we simply blinded to Your presence at times? How is it that we can feel so far away from You even when we are found in Your very womb, Dear Mother?

These things are too wonderful for me, Beloved! Still, on account of our intimacy, I am free to ask the questions that burn in my heart this night. What happened in Eden? What happened in the desert? What happened at the cross? What is this road about which we are walking along together? Where might it lead, and is the end really the beginning? How can we be coming back to You, as some theologians might say, if You have never really left us in the first place? Surely You are not far from us, Beloved! Surely we are always near to Your heart, O God!

Perhaps more questions will arise, Dear One, as we continue this Lenten journey together. For now, however, I’m glad to have the freedom to bring my questions to You as I prepare to slumber. I pray that I might be tucked into the fold of Your garment and that I might come closer to hearing and echoing Your heartbeat, Beloved. Oh let us be one as I enter my sleep, amen.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

On the Travels & Journeys: Pondering the Path of the Year to Come

Hello, Beloved ~


I wonder what You might ask of my husband and I this year. Where will You lead us? Who might we encounter? To whom will we bring Your good news?

"Held in the Father's Love" - Photo by Trista Wynne

I wonder how our writing will be incorporated and how our passions will shine. What might you want to do through my love for children or my husband’s musical skills? How might my joy of baking and his desire for photography come into play? To whom will You send us? For whom shall we prepare?

What colors shall I incorporate into this next painting? And how shall I continue with my schooling endeavors? What might stir up within me through my studies, my painting, my writing and my work?

How would You, O Spirit, like to move within our lives today? How about tomorrow? What about the rest of this year?

What new discoveries might be in store? How will You cultivate our talents? What would You like to give to us to grow and nurture? What shall we give back to You for reshaping? What might need destruction?

How would You like to flow through us to other people? What would you like to teach us through them? What might we discover together?

How would You like us to use our money? How shall we use our time? What would most benefit Your kingdom? Who might we work to set free?

As we prepare, Lord, to enter into the tenth year since our wedding, I wonder what this year might hold. I have more questions than answers, and the future seems far away. How might You desire to shape us, Lord? How shall we shine for You? What might You wish to say through our lives to the world?

I wonder, Beloved…

Saturday, January 22, 2011

On the Letter to Galatians and the Politics of the Time

In reading Galatians Reimagined:Reading through the Eyes of the Vanquished, I find compelling argument that Paul’s letter to the Galatians might have less to do with law and grace and more to do with the political structures of his time than I had ever been taught before. We are being challenged, both by our professor and by this author, to step back in time and to attempt to read Galatians as it might have originally been heard by the recipients. I feel right now that several lifetimes might not give us enough time to research the original message of this (or any) Scripture, let alone to observe our contemporary context enough to speak the heart language of the current listener/reader. Still, we are called to this task as ministers, and as our professor says, we can only do as much as we can do, but we must still attempt to do it well.

I do wonder though, what sort of sermon might develop through this “new” political lens, and to whom it might be relevant. Perhaps to us, who are part of the new Rome, it serves as a reminder that our capitalist, self-idolizing society, despite our claims as the “best country in the world” or as “the new Promised Land”, is on the same level as every other country in God’s eyes. Maybe to those who are under our oppressive dominance it serves as a message of inspiration and hope while to us it is a critique and correction.

I wonder if those who are in positions of power can read without their own perceptions getting in the way. (History seems to have shown otherwise.) Can we, those of us who are part of the dominant society, really read, as Kahl calls us to: with the eyes of the vanquished? It is likely that we cannot do so without relinquishing our power, or rather, without letting our preconceived notions of who we are be re-shaped by the only One who really ought to have any power in the world. Can we read with the eyes of the vanquished? Are we willing?

Friday, January 21, 2011

A Child-like Faith: Seeing our Beloved Everywhere

To detach the walking from the destination
is in fact one of the best ways to recognize the altars you are passing by all the time.


This quote from Barbara Brown Taylor makes me think about meandering home after the elementary school released us when I was a child. I knew that eventually I would get home, but was in no hurry to do so. The house key was safely in my pocket, so I could get in whenever I arrived. But for my young little mind, the journey itself held much more promise than the destination.
"Childhood Discovery" - Photo by Trista Wynne
Those leisurely walks home were filled with great discoveries: hopping frogs, curly potato bugs, slimy slugs, beautiful butterflies, singing birds and much, much more! Everywhere I stepped I found something to captivate my attention. No rock was left unturned, no branch went without feeling the weight of my tiny body, and no creature was ever harmed along my journey where every place was sacred.

How quickly we forget this child-like faith! How easily we neglect the everyday altars of our human existence on this precious, watery planet! How often we ignore the little things while in search for our ultimate goal or career or relationship!

Oh, Beloved, You are present in so many ways already here in the earth. Help us to see You in the many ways You seek to reveal Yourself! Help us when we become frustrated that our journey is taking longer than we expected. Remind us of Your beauty and faithfulness and grace and love present in the little altars of everyday material. Help us to once again become incarnational and to embrace the world around us with love, for You are present in many ways. Amen.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Letting the Bread Rise: A Reflection on the Life of a Theology Student

Photo by Matt Wynne
To be a student of theology is to be countercultural. In a world where technology advances by the day and races are clocked to the thousandth of a second, we are called to sit. While electronic organizers remind us of upcoming appointments and birthdays, and our latest gadgets keep us on our toes, ever advancing us to the next thing to be done and the next checkmark on our list, the theology student waits. Or at least that was how it appeared before I entered seminary myself.

While making bread this afternoon, (the dough for which is currently on the rise) I have been reminded of my countercultural status. You cannot rush bread-making; so too flows the process of developing theology. So also will effective ministry be.

Once, when Jesus was asked to define the Kingdom of God, after looking around for a moment, His eyes landed on a woman teaching her children how to make bread. As she added the yeast to the flour, she hummed a little tune with minor notes sprinkled throughout, and she recounted the story of the Great Exodus, when the bread had no time to rise. Her hands were strong from her labors, and they gently reached down to sooth a fussy infant as she left the freshly-formed dough on a sun-heated stone to rise.

The Kingdom of God, Jesus said, is like the yeast which that dear woman just added to her flour mixture. It is already present, as I AM in the world, and the Spirit of the Lord will stir up inside of you all, and then a season of waiting will come. The yeast is working within the dough as it rests; so too will it be in the Kingdom.

This time of waiting and letting the Kingdom rise among us is often more difficult than it seems. Since we live in a culture that values activities, commitments, pledges and busyness, taking a step back is difficult. The seminary student has one foot in the world of activity, one foot at home with family and spouse or loved ones, one hand in the ministry of their worshipping community and another holding a pen or flying over the keyboard in attempt to make the deadlines for their assignments.

Still, in the midst of it all, taking a deep breath, closing our eyes, and tuning our ear toward our Beloved, resting our head on His chest, listening to Her heartbeat, is the most crucial thing of all. As we enter into the rhythm of the next quarter, it is this heartbeat which guides our lives as shepherds. In these times of waiting, the yeast of the Kingdom will work its way into every aspect of our lives, and when the time is right, people will come from all over town to taste and know that the Lord is good.

You cannot rush the making of bread, nor the savoring of good coffee or the complexities of delightful wine. Neither can we rush the Spirit’s work within us, much less in another being. May we, as we begin another term of study, remember to pause, to breathe, to savor, to listen, and may the Kingdom of God rise within, among and around us through the power of the Holy Spirit, in Jesus’ name, to the glory of our Beloved, amen!

Saturday, January 1, 2011

More Ponderings for the New Year

As I prepare to enter a new term at Fuller Northwest, I am instructed to reflect on the life and times of Paul through a particular text book, and in the midst of my reading, I find myself pondering the time a few years earlier, when my Lord was present on the earth.  Looking ahead to Epiphany, holding the season of Christmastide in my heart, and thinking about my own life and times, I lay my questions in the lap of my Papa-God.

Jesus, my Love, as I read about the Mediterranean world, I wonder where you found Yourself socially. Did You know what it was like to go hungry for more than a few hours while You grew up? When did Joseph die or fall out of the picture? He was a craftsman, and artist, a carpenter. Did this mean You were above the servant class and never had to worry about Your meals? Or did Your family struggle to make ends meet?  Did You watch the sparrows because Your stomach was empty or were you able to study because You didn’t have to beg for Your food?


Where did Your solidarity with the poor come from? What fueled Your compassion? Did You carry it with You from the Throne of Grace or was it fostered through experience and observation of the world around You?

Am I anything like You, Beloved? Can others see You by looking at my life? When You grew to be a man, did you intentionally choose a life of simplicity in the nomadic style? Or was it fairly common in Your time? Were people drawn to You because they could see some reflection of themselves in You, or You in themselves? How did You foster hope in those who followed You? How can I do the same? How can I become more like You?

Can I be in solidarity with the poor and still own property? If I’m called to serve the poor, is it right for me to be comfortable and well-fed? If I’m called to the “untouchables”, do I need to become an outcast myself?

Beloved, how can I become more like You?

Monday, October 18, 2010

The Infant’s Grasp: An Instinctual Response to the Eucharist

Photo by my friend, Grete Norquist
I had the privilege of holding an infant during the first portion of worship this evening. As we were singing and preparing our hearts to receive Communion, she slept soundly in my arms. In the passing of the peace she stirred and opened her beautiful eyes, seeming to greet each one as they gently touched her and shared the peace with us both. And then, after the words of institution were spoken, the wine poured and the bread broken, she began to stretch out her hand toward the table. The communion stewards came around sharing the elements with us all and her little hand reached toward the bread and the wine; she was instinctually reaching out for the representation of our Lord. Moments later she made signs of hunger and I passed her back to her mother so she could nurse. She was hungry so she simply asked for what she needed, and her desires were answered. This, indeed, is why we gather at the table of the Great Thanksgiving!


This makes me think about a sermon given this morning by Rev. Tom Steffen. He described the author of the 119th Psalm as having the markings of a lover, a connoisseur of the Divine Splendor we refer to as God; not a lover, connoisseur, or devotee first and foremost of the law itself…but a lover, a devotee who loves the [One to whom] the law points. Later he said that the psalmist was also a dancer, one whose study of the law exposed him to pure grace.

In these two statements and in the grasp of the infant at the Communion table, I find my soul’s longing and understand the reason for the darkness that has been gripping my spirit of late. Despite the joy I feel when I am at the altar, burning incense, lifting my prayers on the wings of music, (be it my own or someone else’s) or when I am internalizing Scripture like cakes of sweet honey, I find that when I depart to enter the other parts of life, my spirit is constantly longing for that place of surrender, of honesty, of fulfillment and wholeness. Nothing in this life is quite as satisfying to me as sitting at the feet of my Lord.

It is difficult to focus on the rigorous activity of studying when my heart is pulled elsewhere. I find it hard to be fully present in conversation or work or lecture when my spirit wants to be listening for my Master’s voice. My entire being aches with longing for my Beloved; I simply cannot get enough. The demands and rewards of the world seem superficial in comparison to the Deep Reality that I know when I am fully in the Lord’s presence. No wonder melancholy colors the edges of my life!

I want to sing and dance and run and skip and worship with the freedom of the little child I nanny! Oh how I long to jump into the arms of my Beloved and to be lifted high into the air, spun around and then held close so I can hear that precious heartbeat once more!

Ah, Beloved, Your creation yearns for Your presence! We are all sick with love and mourning, waiting for You to return! How hard it is to continue on when You seem so far away! How long, O Lord? Don’t you see how desperate we are for Your healing touch? Have You forgotten Your precious lovers here on the earth? It has been so long since the compassion of Your Holy Spirit was shown in powerful manifestations – this generation has nearly abandoned Your Way forgetting that You are Love. Even I cannot say that I am without doubt at times. And yet my own life is filled with time after time where Your grace and compassion and love were shown by others, and so I know that You Are… Oh my Love! Your Spirit-song is in the edges of my heart; grant me the courage to sing and to reach out for You – both looking to grasp Your hand and seeking to grasp others for Your name’s sake.


Here I am, Lord, stretching my hands to grasp You! I long to know You more, first and foremost as my Beloved, and then with my mind, and then to show what I know of You through my hands and my words. Draw near to me, Beloved, let me feel Your presence. Breathe Your Spirit deeply into my inner being and let me dance with You, in Jesus’ name, amen.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Putting the Pieces Together: A Refelction on Exegetical Method and Life


"Piecing together the Puzzle" - Photo by Trista Wynne
 This morning I find myself pondering the joys (and pains) of exegesis, that is, the searching of Scripture in its original language in an attempt to discern the intent or meaning of the original author. In many ways, it is as though we have been given a puzzle in a box without the lid that would have the full picture on it. We, however, are not completely lost, for those who have received this same box of pieces we now find before us have passed down their representations of how they have fit the pieces together in their lifetimes. The problem there lies in perhaps choosing one representation over another simply because we were taught to do so as children (or perhaps later, if we came to faith later on in life). If we want to simply take someone else’s word for it and stay with one vision of what the puzzle looks like in the end, we might just end up forcing pieces to fit where they weren’t intended by the One who designed, painted, cut and passed out the pieces in the first place.


Recently my husband and I endeavored to piece a puzzle of a thousand pieces together. We had purchased it on our honeymoon in San Francisco a year after we were married. The puzzle portrayed a three-hundred-sixty-five degree view of the inside of Alcatraz. Now, even though we had the box in front of us, it was an incredibly daunting task. There are a lot of bars of similar shade to be found in that picture. Not only that, but the pieces were cut in very similar shapes so that pieces would fit together whose pattern did not match each other at all. After only a few hours on the first day I stood up and walked away from the table deciding that I was done. I glared at it from across the living room and then leaned back on the couch, closed my eyes and promptly fell asleep; my husband continued to labor for another hour over the tedious work.

Now, we had accomplished a good deal right at the start. We noticed patterns and sorted the pieces into piles of like coloring, placing the yellowish ones here, the grayish ones there and the dark brown ones in another pile, and gathering the straight edges into one area. My first task was to fit the frame together. My husband focused on a section in the middle. When I had come to the end of all of the straight-edged pieces, some appeared to be missing. That couldn’t be; we had just opened the box! Searching high and low to find the presumably missing pieces, I scoured the piles until my eyes hurt and then some. That was when I had given up that evening. At the end of the night, we covered the work area with a couple of large flattened boxes to protect our work from the paws of our kitties.

A few weeks went by before we sat down to work on the puzzle again. With renewed vigor we plunged into our work, this time having a larger portion of visual satisfaction in the tangible results of our labors. We pieced small portions of the picture together on opposite ends of the table and then slid them together and found where they interlocked with the frame I had worked so hard on the first night. I would send a dark piece his way and he a light piece in my direction. This goes there, or that goes here, and the pieces would stay just long enough to be fit together with another and then sent to the other end of the table once again.

At one point into the third full day of working on our puzzle, my husband wondered about a couple of pieces on the sides. He pulled one from the left and one from the right side and placed them in the space where the supposedly missing pieces should be. He was right. They fit perfectly and still matched the pattern of light and shadow. The frame was now complete; I had simply placed a couple of pieces in the wrong place and assumed it was right because they fit. I was much encouraged by his discovery, and found that I had a renewed energy to continue on our endeavor together. On the third day the work was finished.

Exegesis is a bit like that puzzle work. We organize the pieces (stories, or fragments of stories called pericopes) into piles, sorting them by genre, attributing them to certain authors, observing themes and pondering the big pictures we each have received through our various traditions. This, like the gigantic puzzle which my husband and I worked on, is not a task to be done alone. It is created in such a way that the whole community of God needs to be involved. Sometimes we need someone else to ask what might happen if we rotate this piece, or to tap us on the shoulder and suggest that that piece might be better placed on the other end of the puzzle.

We are greatly blessed to have at our fingertips, or only a short drive away, access to material from some of the most thoughtful, soulful people throughout the history of our faith. I am a student working on the puzzle of interpreting the Scriptures for the community of God, practicing my work so that in time to come I will give others the tools they need to join me in this delicate, delightful, fulfilling work that has been set before us by the Great Artisan – our Lord, Creator of the world through the Holy Spirit in Jesus Christ, one God throughout all time.

I am not alone. My work is in community. We support one another and bring to the table our own understandings based on the work of those who have gone before us and have left us pictures, poetry, songs and sermons giving us their unique perspectives regarding the work that we now have in our hands. I was raised in the tradition of Martin Luther, and I am grateful for such a deep structure of grace-filled roots. I also am delighted to be at the table with others who share their traditions drawing their inspiration from the herritage of people like John Wesley, John Calvin, and William Seymour. Together we tap into the deep, rich wells of the desert mothers and fathers like Anthony and Amma Syncletica, the sixteenth century mystics like Julian of Norwich and John of the Cross, the Eastern Orthodox saints like Catherine of Sienna and Basil the Great, the heritage of the Roman Catholic spiritualists like Henri Nouwen and Thomas Merton and the charismatic lineage of Francis of Assisi and Aimee Semple McPherson.

Life is also a bit like this. Not one of us is alone. We were not born into or raised in a social vacuum. Each of us has the blessing of the interactions that have shaped us from before we were born. And I do mean blessing, for even the most difficult circumstances, when shared within a loving, prayerful, discerning community, can become the seedbed for the re-shaping of the families, neighborhoods and government entities around us for the benefit of the world. We each have been given a unique piece, something to add to, the puzzle of life. Through prayer, community interaction, introspection, reading of Scripture and involvement with the people and world around us, we can find our place in the multi-dimensional puzzle of life to the delight of our Great Love.

Here is what I hear the Lord speaking to me, and through me, today:

Beloved, do not be discouraged if you have been told to put your piece here or there, only to find that you are later picked up and placed in a completely new arena. Most of your inner-turmoil arises when you misinterpret My direction as a message to glue your piece down on the table rather than for the message of temporary placement that it was originally intended to be. Throughout your entire life here on the earth, you are in temporary placement. Only in the completion of My plan will you truly understand your placement.


Dear beloved, trust Me. Listen for My voice. I speak through the Scriptures. I speak through those who truly love you. I speak through My creation. I speak through your intuition. I speak logically. I speak creatively. I speak in parables, poetry, song and dance. I speak through your body. I speak to others through you. Listen to Me. Act as I did in Christ. Follow my lead in the dance of life. Only then, when you have learned what it means to be My companion, will I call you to speak.


Come, beloved, draw near to Me, and I will show you what I created you to be.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

He Saw Me: The Woman at the Well

This weekend I was on a two-day retreat with several members of my learning community. We were drawn into the story of Jesus and the woman at the well in Samaria by one of the pastoral spiritual directors who were ministering to us at the time. I closed my eyes and listened as John 4:1-26 was read aloud. The most poignant part of the story for me, (that is, the point at which I believe healing began within this woman) occurred when Jesus saw her. Here I relay this moment through her eyes:

*****

A strange and wonderful thing happened to me this morning. I was seen. Not by the darting, shifting eyes of the uncomfortable neighbors wanting to get away from me as quickly as possible, nor by the scornful elders wishing to renew the law of stoning, nor by the fearful gaze of the children who were told horror stories so they wouldn’t draw near me when I passed in the heat of the day. I was looked at, seen, by a Man. No man has ever seen me as the One today. I have never seen such eyes!

When that Man looked at me, He was not ashamed. He was not brazen either. I was not a filthy garment to be trod upon or a pestilence to be avoided. I was not an object to be possessed and used and abused and then discarded on a whim for a younger, prettier model. 

No. That Man saw me. He saw me

His eyes did not trace my figure or burn with ravenous desire; His eyes met mine and lingered. His eyes were compassionate. A softness like the feather of an eagle, and the tenderness of a nursing mother emanated from His inner being when, with those precious, searching eyes, He saw me.

Surely this is no ordinary man.  Surely this Man is Messiah.  Surely He is my Savior.

*****

It struck me as I listened to this story that the majority of Jesus’ miracles begin when He sees someone. Not only is their physical request for healing met, but because Jesus sees every aspect of their lives, He reaches out to the whole person, healing body, mind, spirit and relationships within their communities and family systems. As I meditate on this particular passage, I am struck by how transformational this woman’s encounter with Jesus is. Her shame, solitude, and physical distress are all taken away. She is embraced by the community for sharing the truth of her encounter, and many come to faith in Jesus as Christ, the Savior of the world, on account of her testimony. After encountering Jesus, she no longer has to make a lonely journey to draw water outside of the city in the heat of the day, and her community feels the love of God and knows that the Savior has come near. Every family and community structure in town is turned upside down and healed because Jesus saw the real need.

Tears overflow as I am moved by the powerful heart-knowledge that this same Jesus who saw the woman at the well sees me today. Even when I struggle to see the truth through the layers of my own tumult, I can take comfort in knowing that I am being seen for who I am, and the eyes that behold me are the eyes of Love. Thanks be to God!

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Shifting Directions: A Call to Stillness on the Journey

One day while walking with a friend through a local botanical garden, I found that she was, as Frederick Buechner puts it, getting lost in her own rhetoric . She spiraled around and around in her self-depreciating thoughts and pontifications as we quickly walked along a stony pathway. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed another path, one without the sharp, noisy stones, but lined instead with soft, supportive bark shavings. I leaned in the direction of the smaller, curvy trail to our left and invited her to join me. The chatter stopped as suddenly as the noise from our footfalls ceased echoing through the wooded area. Our breathing slowed as we were engulfed in the peaceful area near the ravine. Even from several feet away, I could feel her blood pressure lowering and saw the wildness drift out of her eyes. I slowed my gait and breathed deeply until we became still and listened to the fluttering wings of a nearby jay bird. The call of a raven hovered on the gentle breeze, and then it was still.


After a length of time I quietly entered the silence with a verbalized rumination on the beauty of that place, noting that I had come down that particular trail several times when I needed Mother Nature to break the cycle of chatter in my mind. We continued standing there for a long moment, allowing ourselves to be filled by the presence of our Creator. As I slowly began making my way around another bend in the pathway and I heard her soft footfalls behind me, I noted that when life seems to be overwhelming to me, I search for things to be grateful for – usually from the things that we often take for granted, like the ability to walk, speak, think, run, breathe, and the presence of running water, food, clothing, shelter, the ability to see this beautiful scenery and to reach out and touch it, receiving the sensations through my fingertips without feeling pain. I let the words remain speaking in the silence that followed until we returned to the path of stones and let the rhythmic sound fill the rest of our time together.

At the end of our walk through the garden, my friend noted the intensity of the shift between the spiraling chaos that she had entered into and the serenity she was led into through the simple change of direction. It was as if, she said, I had physically grabbed hold of her heart and yanked it out of the darkness and brought it into the light which, at that moment, she had almost forgotten existed. Although I had neither physically touched her nor pushed her into the light, the change of atmosphere had brought the shift in an immediate and striking way. As soon as the surrounding atmosphere was quiet, her spirit became suddenly aware of its own foolish chatter and it ceased making noise. She thanked me for drawing her out of herself and back into the world again.

The truth of the matter is that I am only able to do for others what has already been done for me. My Lord showed me when I was very young that the quickest way to escape the chaos, whether it be around or inside of me, was to change my direction, to listen to the creation around me, and through the avenue of nature to listen to my Maker’s heartbeat and align my own with that of the Divine. I pray that you will be blessed by relationships with people who know when to bring you into the realm of peace and stillness. You will be tremendously blessed when you enter the silence that draws you into the Light of Love and Peace. May the Lord grant you rich times of fulfillment and the joy of discovering yourself in the awesome heartbeat of our Loving Creator! Let it be through the power of the Holy Spirit, through Jesus’ name to the glory of our Great and Glorious God, amen.