On this, the fourth day without our precious Camille-cat, my thoughts turn to Lazarus.
He's four-day-ish. Voices from the past echo through the centuries. He's begun to decay; the smell will be terrible. He's without the hope of life again. He is completely untouchable. He is truly dead.
Deep grief overwhelms me as I see in my mind's eye the dear woman, a beloved disciple of Jesus, collapsing into a heap on the roadside. Jesus has just returned from ministry in another town. He has been healing the sick, feeding the hungry, returning the lost to their families, and in the midst of his ministry elsewhere, his beloved second family has been overcome with the grief of death.
Lord, if you had been here, my beloved family member, whom you yourself loved, would not have died! The words of Lazarus' sister resonate deeply in my heart today. Why were you so far away?!
My tears of lament this morning mirror my soul-sister's from so long ago. Enough to cloud my vision, but not yet enough to leave the dry salt stains on my cheeks, my tears instead turn to aches and pains. My muscles and joints feel weak this morning as I sit on the back patio watching our elder cat exploring the world without her little sister. My heart and stomach feel heavy today.
Lord, if only...
Lord, if only...
Oh, Lord...
When we are weak and do not know to pray,
the Spirit steps in and articulates prayers for us
with groaning too profound for words.
(Rom. 8:26)
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