What Does it Mean to Trust You?

Beloved,

One of my dear friends recently shared how difficult it is to trust You, especially in times of transition.  This one does believe that things will work out and has experienced your faithfulness and provision on several occasions and yet still finds it difficult to trust.  This friend is not alone.  Countless others have conversed with me about the difficulty they have trusting You.  For many, it's easier to not believe that You exist at all than it is to examine what it means when we use the phrase, "God is good".

Like my friend and countless others, I, too, have difficulty trusting You.  It is hard to admit that at the end of my seminary studies I may be no closer to comprehension or faith or trust than I was at the beginning.

Something, however, has shifted.  This time of study, of fellowship, of exploration of Your Community -- it has shifted my perspective.  As of yet, I cannot articulate how.

Through my years thus far, I have learned through experience that many people will fail us.  Sometimes those who are given charge over us when we are helpless youth are not able to love us the way we need to be loved.  Sometimes those who are caring for us drop the ball, or drop us, or intentionally choose to turn their backs on us to fulfill their own desires.  Sometimes the ones we rely on to protect us take advantage of our vulnerability.  Sometimes they abandon us unintentionally while trying to escape the chaos of another.

You didn't take me out of the situations that proved painful.    You haven't protected me from hunger and illness.  You have not prevented me from witnessing brutality and violence.  You haven't sheltered my spirit from feelings of helplessness, abandonment, anxiety and fear.  You have not kept me from seeing the devastating effects of alcohol and drug abuse.  You have not closed my eyes to the anguish and chaos that can occur when mental illness goes unchecked in a loved one.

You have, however, used the experiences and observations in my life to shape me into a more compassionate, heartfelt individual.  Because of my experiences, I cry out when I hear of systemic evils.  When violence, bloodshed, tyranny, oppression, slavery, sexual violence or the abuse or neglect of minors is reported, my heart splits in two.

Some are called to action in the fields.  Others are called into politics.  I am among those called to pray.  I support those called to work in the fields and those called into the realm of politics.  When called to sign a petition or to donate funds, I do.  But mostly, I am called to pray.  We all work together to combat the darkness and systemic evils still very present in Your world.

Trusting that You will not allow systemic evils to go unchecked indefinitely, I cry out to You.  Having faith that You are not blind, that You hear the cries of the oppressed, that You suffer alongside those who are suffering, I pray.  I believe with every fiber of my being that in the end all things will be made new, that there will be no more suffering, no more pain, no more tears, no more violence, no more oppression, no more fear, for You, O Lord, have spoken.

And yet, in the mean time, there is still pain.

While we wait for the Light, there is still darkness.

As I watch the horizon for the coming Christ who will finally release the entire creation from the bondage of death, I am fully aware that the heartbeat of the earth is slowing.  Mother earth's breathing is becoming labored.  She groans with utterances that only Your Spirit can fully interpret.  But I feel her sighs.

And yet...

And yet in the midst of the pain and the chaos we know now as "life", there are signs of hope and peace.

Sunrise Photo by Trista Wynne

As I watch a butterfly emerge from its cocoon, as I see the seeds I planted begin to sprout, as I hear the birds lifting their songs, I see the hope of True Life.  When the children I nanny snuggle close, falling asleep in my arms or whispering words of adoration, I know that You are working through me.  Tasting the sweetness of summer strawberries, feeling the vibration of a kitty's purr, smelling the savory blends of spices as I walk through the hallway of our apartments at dinnertime, resting in the arms of my husband, seeing the brilliant displays You paint in the sky as the sun rises and sets -- all of these things remind me of Your presence.

I am in the world.

I am a sign of Your love.


No matter where You call me, this will continue to be true.

What does it mean to trust You?

Maybe for each one of us the answer will be different.  You choose to speak and act in ways that we can understand.  We are all crafted in Your image.  Some of us are simply more aware of this than others.

Where will we be tomorrow?  What will we eat and where shall we work?  How shall I pay my student loans?  How shall I minister to others? -- These are questions I cannot yet answer.

And yet, Your signs of promise and presence in the natural world, and Your actions of love offered by friends and Church Family all serve a purpose of calming my spirit.  Even in the darkest times of my life, You, O Lord, were present.  I can trust that this will be true no matter where I am found.

Thank You, Beloved, for Your signs of Life Abundant.