My Daddy is Dying

It seems so strange to type such a title for a blog post.  I haven't posted in a while, despite spending much time at the computer.  I told myself it was because I had other things to do.  That was partially true.

This month, however, a reality check came in the form of a note about my dad's last doctor's appointment.  And this week I have been ill, so have had a few days at home by myself to reflect and to realize how much I have been running without realizing it.  Last night while I was at home with the kitties, I found myself overwhelmed with sadness.  I finally broke down and sobbed.

I have known for a while that things were changing.  I know that my daddy's mind has been swiftly leaving him.  Moments of clarity and recognition are getting further and further apart.  The formerly egregious extrovert that used to greet total strangers in the store with great delight has turned inward -- now hardly able to engage in even a simple conversation with his closest family members.

My heart was nearly cut in two when the news of his body's loosing battle was announced a couple of years ago.  I packed up my husband and cats, wrapping up seminary with a shorter degree than I had originally set out for, and moved back to our childhood town so I was sure I would have some time to be with my daddy before the final day came.  This past year has been a gift, even if it has been filled with gut-wrenching sobs over the news of dementia settling in.  We are pretty sure that the treatment for the original illness has increased the speed of this mental decline exponentially.  It may have even caused the dementia.  Which is worse -- the original disease or the side effects of the treatment?  Both cause death of one kind or another.

Now, a brand new cruel beast threatens to steal my daddy away.

I do not know what to say in my prayers.

I have talked, a bit, about my daddy's decline.  It is very difficult to talk about.

The feelings are so raw and the reality so strong that the words get caught in my throat.

People are uncomfortable with silence.  As I am struggling to formulate my thoughts, attempting to find words, they often fill the silence with their own.  When I do find the boldness to speak, their discomfort becomes more evident.

They shift in their chair.  They look away.  They find something in the room that needs tending or they change the subject or fill the remaining silence with empty platitudes.

Sometimes they shift the conversation so that it focuses on a grief they have experienced in the past.  They may well be trying to sympathize, but somehow their grief becomes the focus of the conversation.  My feelings get lost -- fading into the background like something unwanted, unloved.

I do not fault them.  They just don't know what to do.  They think they must say something.  They don't know how to sit in the presence of pain.

The pain of watching someone you love battle an illness that is slowly eating their body away is horrendous.  Seeing the very same person's mind slipping like sand through your fingers on a windy day is worse.  This pain is present every day.  Sometimes it is a dissonant background note in the seemingly large orchestration of everyday life, and it is easily ignored.  At other times, the pain arises as a solo, demanding full attention, center stage.

Today it is the latter.

Death makes people uncomfortable.  Grieving, even more so.  Few people know how to be with someone who is watching a loved one die.

My daddy is dying.  Fast or slow, death is surely coming.  I am distressed; and I feel utterly alone.

A Pleasant Pumpkin Day

Pumpkin Carving with the Youth

It's been a very pleasant, pumpkin-filled and quite beautiful day today. I am offering thanksgiving for the continued gorgeous sunshine, for the gift of the harvest season, for the fun of fellowship in my spiritual communities, for reconnecting/date-time with my husband and the gift of musical endeavors book-ending the day.

My husband helps his
brother on the trampoline.

Last night, my brother-in-law stayed with us.  He is always a joy to have visit!  Since he views the world through a very different lens (developmental delays and visual impairment) we are reminded to slow down and to enjoy the simple things in life, like the feel of a giant stuffed tiger, the gift of balance on a trampoline, the vibrations of the bass through a small amp and the smell of a pumpkin spice candle.  A gentle rap-a-tap on a hand drum, the springiness of a slinky and a little music (played either at his hands or ours) will keep him happy for hours.  The joy of our Beloved is certainly evident in my precious brother-in-law.  For him, I am incredibly thankful.

Murray Hills Christian Church

Worship at my home church this morning was awesome. It was great to have the whole worship team back together again -- the first time we've *all* been together since the beginning of the summer. (One day I'll get a picture of the whole team to share here.) We were blessed by a wonderful harvest display near our baptistry. Between the surrounding beauty, the presence of a tiny new baby in our congregation and the worship team's heart-felt harmony this morning, I felt deeply connected to You, Beloved.  Thank You for Your presence in our midst!

My youth aren't afraid to
get their hands a little dirty.

My guitar was left at home for my kitty to curl up with and I was off to hang out with the wonderful Unitarian Universalist Senior High Youth I co-advise this year. We carved pumpkins and talked about Halloween traditions and family endeavors. The group joyfully welcomed a new friend into our midst and got our hands quite dirty!

Pumpkin smashing
at the Green Dragon
Killer Pumpkin Brewfest

After lunch, my husband and I headed to the east side of Portland for the Killer Pumpkin Festival.  We watched the smashing of giant pumpkins by the highest bidder, took in the sounds of the Oompa Band and sampled several different delightful pumpkin brews.  Some of our local brewing companies make great pumpkin beer!  I am thankful for the joy of this time with my husband.  Doing something completely unexpected, like swinging a sledgehammer at a pumpkin on a stump and sampling some new tastes is certainly a blessing.

Deep belly laughter filled our afternoon together, and then we returned to our church for worship team practice.  Later we had the sanctuary to ourselves, just us and our Beloved.  I played my guitar and my husband played the drum set.  We played with all of our might - a wonderful gift of freedom since we usually practice our music in our apartment and are always considerate of our neighbors.  Body, mind and spirit were united in glorious, freeing worship together.

Your Spirit, Beloved, was palpably present with us today.  I am deeply thankful.  I am truly blessed.

A Brief Thanksgiving

Beloved ~

Thank you for the sunshine today!

Thank you for the time I was able to spend with my husband and with my parents today.  Being with them all this morning and seeing my parents' eyes light up with joy over the toddler I nanny was a tremendous blessing!  I haven't seen them smile and laugh like that in a long time!

Photo by Trista Wynne

Thank you for the delight that the little child I nanny takes in life.  The child's spirit seems to rub off on all with whom they interact.  I pray this child never looses that quality!

Thank you for this time, Beloved.

Amen.

Remembering Days Gone By

Beloved ~

While getting ready for work this morning, my body, mind and spirit were coated in molasses.  I moved very slowly.  Tired and grieving, I climbed into the car.  I cried a great deal.

All I want to do is to sit with my daddy.  All I desire is to snuggle up close with him.  I don't want to see or hear or touch anyone else.

Perhaps being a nanny is hard right now because what I want more than anything is to be little again.  I want to be a small child once more -- knowing what I know now -- climbing up onto my daddy's lap at the end of his work day.  I want that time with him back.

Sharing snacks of peanut butter and crackers while watching cartoons or reading a book was one of my favorite ways to end the day.  When everyone else was asleep, I would lay in my bed and wait for the sound of daddy's car to drive up.  I'd sneak out of bed and greet him at the door and we would have our special time together.  The nights when daddy would tell me a story about life on the farm when he was little were the best...

A Note of Gratitude

Beloved,

I want to express my gratitude for Your Presence this weekend.  As I traveled north for a couple of days, You used the time to clear the air.  You filled my lungs with the Breath of Your Spirit and wrapped Your arms about me through the embraces from my brothers and sisters in Christ.

I am incredibly thankful for this breath of fresh air and the peace You gave me during this time.  I am filled with joy in the presence of my brother and sisters who have prayed with me for many years.  Snuggling on the couch, mulling over the life questions, wondering together what You are in the midst of doing in our lives, and allowing the questions to linger -- without simple platitudes or easy answers, without context-less Scripture passages and promises that have no backing -- simply listening together to Your silence.  That is exactly what I needed.

I am thankful.

For the music and the prayers and the welcome of my St Thomas family, for the love and the joy and the smiles, for the way You met me in the bread and the wine and the arms of my brothers and sisters, I am very thankful.  I wept with joy at the Eucharist table.  My spirit danced in the midst of the crowd.  I could have sprouted wings and flown to the rooftops in the breaking of bread and pouring forth of the wine.

Thank You for meeting me there.

Thank You for bringing me home.

Thank You.

Thank You.

Thank You.

Experiencing a Season of Pruning

This morning began with dark clouds, both inside and out, but the dishes got done, I ate and showered and prepared for the day anyway. At St Thomas Episcopal this morning, Father Lex spoke on Jesus' parable of the vine and branches. When he said that part of abiding in Jesus is embracing the pruning and letting go of the parts of our lives that are dying, my tears spilled over. 

Letting go when someone you love is on a timeline...dear God...it's not a pleasant road...fear, anxiety, grief, indigestion, deep sadness, anger, questions -- all follow me everywhere.  Yet, for a bit of time on this day that began so dark, though, the clouds lifted.

After Eucharist we pray for one another with the laying on of hands and anointing oil. Thank God for this precious service! Sun broke through, a little at a time, both inside and out. I'm thankful for these moments and even hours of light and love while I walk the road of shadows. I'm very thankful for this precious community of faith.

Joining together of Old and New: Praying for Healing and Unity of the Generations in the Church of Christ

"Strong Roots" - Photo by Trista Wynne

Beloved,

My heart is downcast within me.  I miss my time with my grandma, and I long for encouraging interactions with the elder generations around me.  You graciously have provided me with several neighbors with whom I am interacting on a regular basis who are in the generation before me, and we learn so much from one another.  I do, however, long for the wisdom and encouragement that came from my grandma.  With her I felt safe and accepted for who I was.  I was never afraid to admit a wrongdoing or a mistake, for we could often laugh together about something similar she had done when she was my age.  She had many stories to tell me that brought history to life.  I always learned something new when we were together.  She deeply valued our relationship as well. 

My stories and adventures brought her great joy and she was always delighted to hear about the new things that I tried.  We even had many adventures where we tried new things together.  New recipes and outdoor exploring sites came forth out of our mutual desire to learn and to grow.  She saw You in me, and she listened attentively as I explored the truths that Your Spirit was speaking.  We prayed together often, and she opened up Scriptures to me in exciting, tangible ways through her life stories.  We were respected, valued and loved.  Perhaps this is why, even though we didn’t see one another every week, when we were together, it was as though we had never parted.  I look forward to the time when we will be reunited together in Your Holy Kingdom, when all things are made new in the fullness of time.

"New Breath" - Photo by Trista Wynne

My heart is downcast, though, because relationships like this are hard to come by in Your Church today.  The elder members neglect to encourage the younger generations and neither group respects the other.  I see the need for something new for Your Church to enter into the future, but know that You have not equipped me for building or sustaining; You have created me as a visionary, a dreamer, a creative spirit whose exuberance and delight in You might inspire others to bring forth this new thing that is percolating on the edges of the present day.  And so, dear Lord, I invite others to join me in the following prayer so that we might enter into this glorious future well-equipped for the mission work that You have given Your peoples to accomplish.  We pray for unity and healing so that the world may know that You are Love!

We pray, dear Lord, that you might bring the generations throughout your Church together so that the younger generations might receive encouragement and mentoring, and the older generations might feel appreciated and valued.  We pray for healing of the wounds which each party has inflicted upon the other.  Wherever we have contributed to these wounds, we pray for grace and forgiveness.  Grant us the wisdom and the courage to join together, to share our stories and to listen prayerfully to one another so that together we can enter into the blessed future that You are preparing for your worldwide Church.  We pray for denominational and generational borders to gently fade so that a new, vibrant, united Church might be seen and that, as Your Beloved Son prayed, we might be known by our love of one another. 

"Beauty in New Life" - Photo by Trista Wynne

May You, O Lord, raise up from among us prophets and visionaries, builders and activists, and developers of sustainability.  May we work together so that future generations will look back upon our time and see Your Sophia-Spirit moving through what we pray, say and do together.  May it all be for our Beloved's glory in Christ Jesus.

Empowered by the Holy Spirit, we pray this in the name of Jesus the Christ, and we desire Your glory above our own.  Amen.

The Family Crest: A Reflection on Ash Wednesday

What if our crosses were always visible? No, I’m not talking about the gold-plated ones we chain around our necks after shelling out a bunch of cash! I’m talking about the ones on our foreheads, the ones that the minister signs us with when we are baptized. What if every day was Ash Wednesday and everybody could see the mark of Christ on us all the time? How would that change us? How would our relationships change? How would the perceptions that others have of us be impacted?

"The Family Crest" - Photo by Trista Wynne

Lord, I wonder about Your people – those who go by Your name in this area tend to blend in. We don’t let Your mark be shown except on merchandise. We buy crafts and jewelry and t-shirts and mugs with Your Family Crest, but we neglect the deeper call to reflect the Family Name through our actions and lifestyle.

It seems that we are about as loyal to You as to any brand name or sports team. We can become as defensive regarding creed and liturgy as devoted sports fans or apple users are when their team or product is challenged. And yet, sadly, that defense is about as deep as the devotion goes.

How ecstatic sports fans get if they come face to face with the players they obsess over! Will the same be true of Your peoples? Is it true today?

If we truly are followers of Your Way, Beloved, and we believe Your Word, then we will see Your reflection in every person, animal and plant throughout the world. And if that is true then we encounter You every day. Can we say that we are devoted to You and yet neglect or reject our fellow human beings, our fellow animals, or the rest of creation? How utterly absurd!

So, Beloved, what would life be like if Your Family Crest was visible on our foreheads? At the very least we would be known as ambassadors in Your world, for good or for ill. But, if we instead are in deep enough relationship with You to take devotion beyond the superficial, then we will allow our lives to be molded into the perfect reflection of Your love, and that is how Your Family crest – the cross – would become visible in the world.

Ah, Beloved, let it be so! May our Family be known for the thoughts, words and actions which reflect Your great love for the entire creation: people, animals, earth and plants alike. Mold and shape us into Your image once again. May all things be found dripping Your glory and bearing Your Family Crest, through the Holy Spirit, in Jesus’ name, amen.