Gracious Creator, I am no longer my own but yours. Put me to what you will; rank me with whom you will. Let me be employed by you or laid aside, exalted for you or brought low. Let me be full, let me be empty. Let me have all things, let me have nothing. I yield all things to your pleasure and disposal. (from John Wesley's Covenant Prayer)
Tonight, I am meditating on these words and wondering about the
implications of praying in such a way. Are we able to honestly pray these words? Do we invite Divine to truly shape and mold
us? Do we truly desire to be like the
One many of us know as the Christ? Are we willing to be laid aside, brought low
and to become completely empty of ego and self-seeking?
It's easy to pray for half
of these things -- to invite abundance, exaltation and fullness. That, however,
is only part of the prayer. To walk the Lenten road -- to invite times of
unemployment, times of scorn or rejection, times of emptiness, loneliness or
darkness without turning away in fear is to open ourselves up to the rest of
the story. In many spiritual traditions,
the faithful are invited into times of fasting, meditation and prayer.
My husband’s tribe, like many of our Native brethren, sends
young men (and sometimes women) into the wilderness to learn their spiritual
calling, to develop their courage, to conquer fear, and to open themselves up
to adulthood. Food or drink is limited
or cut-off before the journey, and the seeker becomes a finder of themselves
and Divine. When they return, a feast is
prepared, and initiation rituals commence.
They often receive a new name as they sing the song that they receive
from their guardian(s) and enter the fullness of adulthood.
Likewise, our tribal friends in Mexico participate in times of
fasting from certain foods and activities as they prepare to journey to sacred
sites asking for wisdom, guidance, healing and help that they can bring back to
their people. Pilgrims along the journey
often encounter strong resistance both from inside themselves and from forces
of nature as part of their learning and strengthening. This is true for many of our ancestral
traditions throughout the world.
Despite the ancestral invitation to participate in such emptying, I admit that I struggle to pray in this way. It is difficult to invite Divine Love to compress me into something that feels makes me feel useless, laid aside or empty. It seems counter-intuitive. This prayer and the practice of fasting and releasing our own desires is certainly counter-cultural. It certainly strikes a blow to our ego when we intentionally invite blank space into our existence. We must face our fear that tells us once we completely release what we have, offering everything into the hands of the One who gave it in the first place, we might not ever get it back.
Ah, fear - that four letter word prevents many a devout person from entering into the depth of Relationship they so desperately long for. I am far from alone in this struggle. It is a cultural reality in this “self-made-millionaire” society. Fear is everywhere, but it often wears a mask. We all have our secret fears. One of mine is the fear of becoming useless.
I desire to impact others for the better. I desire to help. I desire to do. I desire to become someone of significance. I do not want to be forgotten or cast aside. I do not want my mind to cease remembering or my body to cease functioning. I do not wish for my voice to be taken or for my comprehension to become muddled. And I recognize that each of these statements, even those with seemingly beneficial intent, there is a propensity towards fear.
As I consider all that I have written thus far today, I return to the prayer. Are the words of John Wesley more than I can pray tonight? And yet, the closer I draw to the One I call "Beloved," the more intensely I hear the invitation to pray this way echoing in my soul.
Maybe I long to pray this gripping prayer because I long to trust. I want to trust. I want to believe that, should any of these things ever happen to me, I would not truly be cast off or ignored or rejected or forgotten. Do I struggle to trust God, or do I struggle with the trust of God's people? Although the two are often linked, they are not at all the same.
Beloved,
You know my fears. You know my longings. You know how deeply I desire to connect with You. Every day I yearn for more of You, and every day I wish to offer You more of myself. Perhaps one day I will be completely willing and able to pray Wesley's prayer. For now, I trust that You meet me where I am, and somehow I feel that my desire to pray is as pleasing to You as the actual prayer itself. I am grateful for your Love and I long to bring You joy.
