The Blessing of the Crone: Beyond talk of Motherhood

As the heat was turned up here in the Pacific Northwest today, we turned our calendars to the month of May.  It is a month that I greet with mixed emotions.  I have for many years now.

Walking into the stores, turning on the television, browsing the status feeds on Facebook or unfolding the weekly paper, we are greeted with reminders that the day is quickly approaching when we will celebrate those who are able to conceive and give birth.  I am well aware that this day, this month, this holiday has different meaning for different people.  I know the history and the way the day has taken shape in recent years.

For many, Mother's Day is a time of celebration.  For some a time of grief.  For others a day that brings up difficult memories and shines light on unhealed wounds.  For some it is a reminder of how far along the journey towards healing they have already come.  For many it is a day of remembrance, reconciliation and pondering.  For me, it is blend of all of the above.

This evening I joined a group of women to discuss a book by Marion Woodman -- Dancing in the Flames: the Dark Goddess in the Transformation of Consciousness.  One thread of the conversation examined the striking differences between how our elder women were viewed in ancient societies, (and are still in some cultures today) and how they have been viewed by western society over the years.  Woodman uses the term "crone"  reaching deep into our collective consciousness to retrieve an ancient definition -- a wise woman, in the midst of reconnecting to the earth, to nature, to the Divine, to herself and to all of humanity.  I was blessed to find myself in the midst of a group of wise, elder women, several of whom have embraced the term crone with gusto as a term referring to themselves.

I am deeply grateful for this elder age group.  While many of my contemporaries, and those within a decade of me on either side, are wrapped up in the world of mothering, the crones and I are in a similar state of being.  We are both in the realm of self-examination.  We find ourselves contemplating and redefining old dreams.

In some ways, between my the miscarriages of my children over a decade ago, and my thirteen years as a nanny, I feel a bit like my years of "mothering" have drawn to a close, despite my age.  That season of life is not a present reality.  I have much more in common with the women with silver hair than I have in common with my own age group.

Although my heart sometimes still aches for the season of mothering, I am finding myself more and more content to simply be.  I am in an in-between time.  And I am thankful for the women who have come before me. I am thankful for the communion of the wonderful crones.

Beloved,

You know my heart of hearts, my internal wrestling, and the stretching that has come in my identity over the last decade.  I offer all that I am, and all that I desire, to the wisdom of Your competent hands.  I trust that You will continue shaping, stretching and molding me in every stage of life.  

Thank You for the presence of precious crones in my life.  Thank you for the comfort that they bring.  Thank You for their wisdom.  Thank You for the way they reflect Your light.  You shine through their hearts, their eyes and their silver hair.  When they speak, I hear Your voice.  For all of these gifts, the blessings of the crones, I am deeply grateful.

Offering - Lent 2014, Week 1

Gracious Creator, I am no longer my own but yours. Put me to what you will; rank me with whom you will. Let me be employed by you or laid aside, exalted for you or brought low. Let me be full, let me be empty. Let me have all things, let me have nothing. I yield all things to your pleasure and disposal. (from John Wesley's Covenant Prayer)

Tonight, I am meditating on these words and wondering about the implications of praying in such a way.  Are we able to honestly pray these words?  Do we invite Divine to truly shape and mold us?  Do we truly desire to be like the One many of us know as the Christ? Are we willing to be laid aside, brought low and to become completely empty of ego and self-seeking?

It's easy to pray for half of these things -- to invite abundance, exaltation and fullness. That, however, is only part of the prayer.  To walk the Lenten road -- to invite times of unemployment, times of scorn or rejection, times of emptiness, loneliness or darkness without turning away in fear is to open ourselves up to the rest of the story.  In many spiritual traditions, the faithful are invited into times of fasting, meditation and prayer. 

My husband’s tribe, like many of our Native brethren, sends young men (and sometimes women) into the wilderness to learn their spiritual calling, to develop their courage, to conquer fear, and to open themselves up to adulthood.  Food or drink is limited or cut-off before the journey, and the seeker becomes a finder of themselves and Divine.  When they return, a feast is prepared, and initiation rituals commence.  They often receive a new name as they sing the song that they receive from their guardian(s) and enter the fullness of adulthood. 

Likewise, our tribal friends in Mexico participate in times of fasting from certain foods and activities as they prepare to journey to sacred sites asking for wisdom, guidance, healing and help that they can bring back to their people.  Pilgrims along the journey often encounter strong resistance both from inside themselves and from forces of nature as part of their learning and strengthening.  This is true for many of our ancestral traditions throughout the world.

Despite the ancestral invitation to participate in such emptying, I admit that I struggle to pray in this way.  It is difficult to invite Divine Love to compress me into something that feels makes me feel useless, laid aside or empty.  It seems counter-intuitive.  This prayer and the practice of fasting and releasing our own desires is certainly counter-cultural.  It certainly strikes a blow to our ego when we intentionally invite blank space into our existence.  We must face our fear that tells us once we completely release what we have, offering everything into the hands of the One who gave it in the first place, we might not ever get it back.

Ah, fear - that four letter word prevents many a devout person from entering into the depth of Relationship they so desperately long for.  I am far from alone in this struggle.  It is a cultural reality in this “self-made-millionaire” society.  Fear is everywhere, but it often wears a mask.  We all have our secret fears.  One of mine is the fear of becoming useless.

I desire to impact others for the better.  I desire to help.  I desire to do.  I desire to become someone of significance.  I do not want to be forgotten or cast aside.  I do not want my mind to cease remembering or my body to cease functioning.  I do not wish for my voice to be taken or for my comprehension to become muddled.  And I recognize that each of these statements, even those with seemingly beneficial intent, there is a propensity towards fear.

As I consider all that I have written thus far today, I return to the prayer.  Are the words of John Wesley more than I can pray tonight?  And yet, the closer I draw to the One I call "Beloved," the more intensely I hear the invitation to pray this way echoing in my soul.

Maybe I long to pray this gripping prayer because I long to trust.  I want to trust.  I want to believe that, should any of these things ever happen to me, I would not truly be cast off or ignored or rejected or forgotten.  Do I struggle to trust God, or do I struggle with the trust of God's people?  Although the two are often linked, they are not at all the same.

Beloved,  

I want to trust that my worth is not inherently wrapped up in what I do.  I want to trust that I will continue to be loved and valued even when I can no longer contribute to society in the ways I am used to.  I deeply desire to see Light and Love flowing so freely through your peoples that no one would be afraid to pray these words.

You know my fears.  You know my longings.  You know how deeply I desire to connect with You.  Every day I yearn for more of You, and every day I wish to offer You more of myself. Perhaps one day I will be completely willing and able to pray Wesley's prayer.  For now, I trust that You meet me where I am, and somehow I feel that my desire to pray is as pleasing to You as the actual prayer itself.  I am grateful for your Love and I long to bring You joy.

My Daddy is Dying

It seems so strange to type such a title for a blog post.  I haven't posted in a while, despite spending much time at the computer.  I told myself it was because I had other things to do.  That was partially true.

This month, however, a reality check came in the form of a note about my dad's last doctor's appointment.  And this week I have been ill, so have had a few days at home by myself to reflect and to realize how much I have been running without realizing it.  Last night while I was at home with the kitties, I found myself overwhelmed with sadness.  I finally broke down and sobbed.

I have known for a while that things were changing.  I know that my daddy's mind has been swiftly leaving him.  Moments of clarity and recognition are getting further and further apart.  The formerly egregious extrovert that used to greet total strangers in the store with great delight has turned inward -- now hardly able to engage in even a simple conversation with his closest family members.

My heart was nearly cut in two when the news of his body's loosing battle was announced a couple of years ago.  I packed up my husband and cats, wrapping up seminary with a shorter degree than I had originally set out for, and moved back to our childhood town so I was sure I would have some time to be with my daddy before the final day came.  This past year has been a gift, even if it has been filled with gut-wrenching sobs over the news of dementia settling in.  We are pretty sure that the treatment for the original illness has increased the speed of this mental decline exponentially.  It may have even caused the dementia.  Which is worse -- the original disease or the side effects of the treatment?  Both cause death of one kind or another.

Now, a brand new cruel beast threatens to steal my daddy away.

I do not know what to say in my prayers.

I have talked, a bit, about my daddy's decline.  It is very difficult to talk about.

The feelings are so raw and the reality so strong that the words get caught in my throat.

People are uncomfortable with silence.  As I am struggling to formulate my thoughts, attempting to find words, they often fill the silence with their own.  When I do find the boldness to speak, their discomfort becomes more evident.

They shift in their chair.  They look away.  They find something in the room that needs tending or they change the subject or fill the remaining silence with empty platitudes.

Sometimes they shift the conversation so that it focuses on a grief they have experienced in the past.  They may well be trying to sympathize, but somehow their grief becomes the focus of the conversation.  My feelings get lost -- fading into the background like something unwanted, unloved.

I do not fault them.  They just don't know what to do.  They think they must say something.  They don't know how to sit in the presence of pain.

The pain of watching someone you love battle an illness that is slowly eating their body away is horrendous.  Seeing the very same person's mind slipping like sand through your fingers on a windy day is worse.  This pain is present every day.  Sometimes it is a dissonant background note in the seemingly large orchestration of everyday life, and it is easily ignored.  At other times, the pain arises as a solo, demanding full attention, center stage.

Today it is the latter.

Death makes people uncomfortable.  Grieving, even more so.  Few people know how to be with someone who is watching a loved one die.

My daddy is dying.  Fast or slow, death is surely coming.  I am distressed; and I feel utterly alone.

Searching for My Reflection in Your Eyes

Earlier today I spent a good deal of time with dear friends from college.  Our conversations were incredibly fruitful!  Among other very important things, we wondered together about the origins of my numerous food sensitivities.

My soul-sister wonders how many of my food issues may be a way of my body punishing itself for not living up to certain expectations, (both perceived and real).  Although there have been a number of benefits to changing my diet (including increasing the amount of natural and whole foods in my system) there are enough foods that cause my body trauma for us to wonder if there is an emotional link.

How many of my recent ailments have something to do with shame or guilt?  I'm not yet sure how to identify and/or combat it if there is that link.  But it does inspire a prayer...

Beloved,

I have a great deal yet to learn about myself.  I have much to learn about (and much to experience of) Your love.  I desire to see You looking at me.  I want to watch Your eyes as I take of my clothing and let You look at me.  I want to feel the heat of passion and compassion as You draw near, as you caress and as You love me.

Photo by Trista Wynne

No one and nothing else can fill this desire.  It is for You alone.  You are my Beloved.

Yesterday, through conversations with another prayer-sister, You helped me to see how guilty or ashamed I feel for "not measuring up".  Right now I feel completely inadequate -- as a wife, as a daughter, as a lover, as a friend, as a minister, as a spiritual leader and as a nanny.  Overall, as a person, I feel that I have failed.

You alone can make me whole. I'm looking for my reflection in Your eyes.

I feel guilty for having been born into a society that oppresses and enslaves other nations to do our bidding.  I feel guilty for living when my food, electronics and clothing are grown or created with the spilled blood of my fellow human beings.  The problems, the sin, is societal.  I feel powerless to stop it...

You alone cane make the world whole.  Help us see our reflection in Your eyes.

Amen.

Life, Death & Renewal

Beloved ~

It's been several days since I've last written here... well, several days since I've written anywhere, really.  The last week or so has been filled with a tremendous sadness as I wonder whether this will be the last Christmas with a few of my loved ones.  There have been joyful moments, too, and I am very grateful for the presence of a dear friend visiting my husband's family and my family both over these Holy Days.

Still, the shadow of grief continues to hover.  Sometimes it looms large and ominous, covering everything with a bluish-black hue.  Other times the shadow is a hint on the corner of my eye, just far enough out of my direct sight not to impede my vision, but lingering in the periphery nonetheless.  I am always aware of its presence.

It has been said that the thing that sets humans apart from other animals and plants is the knowledge of and contemplation regarding our own mortality (and that of others).  I am not convinced that we are alone in such knowledge.  I've seen enough pets near death to see such knowledge in their eyes and have felt their spirits reaching out much as ours often do in our final days, weeks and months.

Part of me often wonders about the plants that You have created.  Do they have some sense of self-awareness?  This is a question I don't think any of us can answer for certain.  One thing that is certain, though, is that the blooming flowers are with us one moment and the next are returning to the earth from which they sprang forth.  New life often comes up out of the soil in the very same spot, sometimes right away, sometimes after a great deal of time has passed.

Photo by Trista Wynne

The return of the flower to the earth is a vital part of the eco-cycle.  The new plants receive nourishment from the plants which have grown before.  And the petals and leaves which now line the earth give the little seedlings much needed protection against the elements until they are able to branch out on their own.

Ebb & Flow: The Rise and Fall of the Stormy Sea

Beloved, 

Watching someone you love slowly fading away is very difficult... 

The intense tumult of emotion resting just beneath the surface is something I fear few would want to endure. I don't even want to endure it myself. But if I don't say that I'm hurting, I am attempting to deceive myself and You, and failing miserably at both. 

"Incoming Storm" - Photo by Trista Wynne

A storm is brewing! Lightning! Thunder! Waves crashing overhead! The boat is sinking! Everybody out! 

With one last breath I cry: “I am strong! This will not take me! I will not sink quietly into the deep!”

Sitting on the Shore: Preparing for Retreat Time

"Sitting in the Sand" - Photo by Trista Wynne

This weekend I will be heading to the beach for a personal retreat: just me, the waves, a little cottage and my God.  The labels give you an idea of what the last few months have been like as I've donned the cap and gown of seminary studies, (wrapping up the final quarter this summer -- halfway through today) pondered the last ten years, (I've been married for a decade now) thought about whether or not to move back near or into our childhood town, been wrestling with a change of direction in my calling, figuring out how best to support aging parents, and pondering a whole host of other topics.  Wondering what is in store for, I simply record a little prayer before returning to my packing.  I wonder what this weekend will reveal...


Beloved,

It's been a little while since I've felt your presence in a palpable way.  I see glimpses of You in the faces and actions of the dear ones at my internship site, and Your love and grace are evident in this place.  And yet, it seems that You and I have been separated for a time.

Questions and chaos about the present and future seem to swirl around me.  Have I gone into hiding on account of the storm?  Are You in the midst of it?  Have You  been listening?  Have I been talking to You?  Have I been listening?

The winds and debris are swirling so wildly.  Questions of "helpful" people wanting me to land on a direction pummel me like tsunami waves.  I have enough doubts to make Your Thomas look like one who never questioned.

Joining together of Old and New: Praying for Healing and Unity of the Generations in the Church of Christ

"Strong Roots" - Photo by Trista Wynne

Beloved,

My heart is downcast within me.  I miss my time with my grandma, and I long for encouraging interactions with the elder generations around me.  You graciously have provided me with several neighbors with whom I am interacting on a regular basis who are in the generation before me, and we learn so much from one another.  I do, however, long for the wisdom and encouragement that came from my grandma.  With her I felt safe and accepted for who I was.  I was never afraid to admit a wrongdoing or a mistake, for we could often laugh together about something similar she had done when she was my age.  She had many stories to tell me that brought history to life.  I always learned something new when we were together.  She deeply valued our relationship as well. 

My stories and adventures brought her great joy and she was always delighted to hear about the new things that I tried.  We even had many adventures where we tried new things together.  New recipes and outdoor exploring sites came forth out of our mutual desire to learn and to grow.  She saw You in me, and she listened attentively as I explored the truths that Your Spirit was speaking.  We prayed together often, and she opened up Scriptures to me in exciting, tangible ways through her life stories.  We were respected, valued and loved.  Perhaps this is why, even though we didn’t see one another every week, when we were together, it was as though we had never parted.  I look forward to the time when we will be reunited together in Your Holy Kingdom, when all things are made new in the fullness of time.

"New Breath" - Photo by Trista Wynne

My heart is downcast, though, because relationships like this are hard to come by in Your Church today.  The elder members neglect to encourage the younger generations and neither group respects the other.  I see the need for something new for Your Church to enter into the future, but know that You have not equipped me for building or sustaining; You have created me as a visionary, a dreamer, a creative spirit whose exuberance and delight in You might inspire others to bring forth this new thing that is percolating on the edges of the present day.  And so, dear Lord, I invite others to join me in the following prayer so that we might enter into this glorious future well-equipped for the mission work that You have given Your peoples to accomplish.  We pray for unity and healing so that the world may know that You are Love!

We pray, dear Lord, that you might bring the generations throughout your Church together so that the younger generations might receive encouragement and mentoring, and the older generations might feel appreciated and valued.  We pray for healing of the wounds which each party has inflicted upon the other.  Wherever we have contributed to these wounds, we pray for grace and forgiveness.  Grant us the wisdom and the courage to join together, to share our stories and to listen prayerfully to one another so that together we can enter into the blessed future that You are preparing for your worldwide Church.  We pray for denominational and generational borders to gently fade so that a new, vibrant, united Church might be seen and that, as Your Beloved Son prayed, we might be known by our love of one another. 

"Beauty in New Life" - Photo by Trista Wynne

May You, O Lord, raise up from among us prophets and visionaries, builders and activists, and developers of sustainability.  May we work together so that future generations will look back upon our time and see Your Sophia-Spirit moving through what we pray, say and do together.  May it all be for our Beloved's glory in Christ Jesus.

Empowered by the Holy Spirit, we pray this in the name of Jesus the Christ, and we desire Your glory above our own.  Amen.

Battling the Beloved: How my Heart is won back when I Turn Away

Hello Beloved,

Much is on my mind, not for worries, but mostly for contemplation. At the forefront, though, is the sermon preached by our dear friend and pastor in Beaverton, where we found ourselves beginning Spring Break this weekend. The sermon on trust, the songs about being clay in Your hands, and their combined calling to release ourselves into Your arms for Your purposes – these are the images on my mind this evening.

Towards the beginning of the service, when the song entitled “The Potter’s Hand” was being sung, I found myself unable to join in the singing. This was odd since it is a favorite song of mine, but my spirit was heavy and I was grieved over the lack of connections and deep friendships in our lives since we followed Your call to move up here to the Seattle area. I didn’t feel particularly willing to become just anything or anyone at that moment in time. You know, Beloved, how I sometimes battle with You in spirit. Thankfully, Your Spirit is kind and compassionate, and gently worked throughout the rest of the service to remind me how much I am valued and loved even by that dear community which is several hours away from us.

"Softness of the Beloved" - Photo by Trista Wynne

The prayers of the people, the sermon, the strong embrace of our dearly loved minister of music, and lengthy hugs from the children (now teenagers) whom I used to nanny for – these all worked together to soften my heart. By the time we were invited to Your table, I was able to let go of the false pretense of control over my life. I simply acknowledge that in this part of the journey, my life and the life of my husband are truly in Your hands. I want to trust You; Lord, please help my lack of trust.

Empty or Full? – A Lament and Prayer for Corporations, Countries and Church

Ah, Lord, as I consider the large entities and the individuals who are being hurt or overlooked by them, I wonder about the state of the world… Why does the “healthcare” industry build more and more edifices to glorify themselves while the community clinic struggles? Why does the mega-church continue to grow while the small church, which cares for the community, suffers? Why does the corporation grow and the family shop fail? Dear Lord, why is it so?

The large entities have nothing of lasting value! They are impersonal, greedy, self-serving gluttons feeding on unsuspecting prey. The victims don’t even run and hide from the heartless beasts awaiting their souls! They wait in lines impatiently hurrying to be devoured whole!

They are like animals without sense! Or worse, they are zombies devouring one another on account of the infection of the corporations they serve! Who will wake them from their stupor? Who will save the next generation from their clawing grasp? Who will speak for You and free these zombies from their infection? Who will come and heal the poisoned land and clean the polluted water? Who will bring equity and break the shackles of greed and power? Who will restore shalom throughout the earth? How long, O Lord, must we wait for our salvation? How long until all peoples can hear Your voice? Won’t You send a messenger again? Won’t You release Your Spirit of Truth to speak throughout the nations? Won’t You heed the cry of broken peoples, the wounded, the deprived, the poor, the senseless, the lost and the empty who think they are full?

The Egyptian tyrant has fallen; good! But who will take his place? Does the military have any more compassion than he? Will an elected official have integrity and pursue peace? Does our government provide any hope for the rest of the world desiring freedom? Do we know what we’re doing? What do You think as You watch this unfold? Will You intervene and bring a hopeful future to this people longing for light? Are Your seekers prepared to follow Your lead?

What about South Sudan, Lord? Are You working in their midst as this country prepares to be birthed? Will Your desire for peace and justice and love and equity be heard in this newest of countries? Are Your followers called to a particular action for them?

How, O Lord, are we to work for peace, justice, equity and love throughout the world when we don’t even have it at home? Our own country is found to be lacking when it comes to the simple task of providing everyone with food, clothing, shelter, security, medical care and psychological, emotional and spiritual support. Why, then, do we think that we can tell othe countries how they ought to act? Lord, who do we think we are?! We are not You!

Your Church (worldwide) however is called to act on Your behalf. Are we acting in ways that show the world what You desire? Can the world look at us and see You?  Or are we, like helpless plants, simply frozen in winter, longing for spring?

"Longing for Spring" - Photo by Trista Wynne

O Lord, I know that I am an imperfect being, but I do desire to be likened unto You. And many others in Your Church, who are also imperfect beings, are also desiring to be likened unto You. Dear Lord, although we cannot attain this perfection as individuals, I do believe that You are in the midst of granting it to the entire gathering. I pray, Lord, that through Your immense love and mercy, we might all learn how to reflect You, or rather, to become so transparent that You would easily be seen. In order for this to happen, Lord, I believe that we need to empty ourselves of the desire even to exist, because in this desire, we serve our own desires instead of Yours. Help us, Lord, as an entire community across time and space, to be willing to be emptied and to let You fill us with Yourself.

What would “church” look like if we really acted as though You were with us and not far removed from our midst?  For now, we, like the little rosehips above, are simply caught between seasons, half-frozen in the winter of waiting, but desperately longing for the warm spring-breath of Your Holy Spirit.  We wait with Jesus’ name on our lips, whispering prayers for Your grace.  Maranatha!  Come, Lord Jesus, and stir us to newness of life.

On a Hardening Heart: Pondering a Change of Direction

Dear Lord,

My heart is growing more rigid today. Is this of You, in preparation for separation or transition, or do I need to address something? If I am growing more rigid in a way that is not of You, I pray for a softening of heart and new visioning for the future.

I release all that I am and all that I have and all that I am doing into your care, admitting once more that it was never really mine to begin with. Only let me live to Your glory.

Ah, Lord, is this where You want me to be? Does it allow me to be doing what You would want me to be doing? What have I chosen a paper on a topic that would cause me such grief?!

I think that it’s because I know that it breaks Your heart like it breaks mine. And You, as the Beloved of all people who calls even simple folk like me in the darkest parts of the night to come hear Your heartbeat, You speak to my heart concerning the depth of Your passions, and I often cry Your tears.

Your peoples are crying for justice; O Lord, I hear them! Your peoples are crying for mercy; O Lord, I join in their plea! Your peoples are crying for Your Kingdom; O Lord, let Your Kingdom shine!

Papa, our Papa-God,
who hears our cries in heaven,
may Your Kingdom come
     be evident here and now
     and everywhere throughout the earth!

May Your name,
which is above all names
     be praised forever more!

*****

Ah, Lord, You bring me to the Lamentations of Jeremiah, and I have prayed them all as my prayer this evening on behalf of all who suffer and groan. In the midst of the suffering, several verses stand out as words of trust and hope, and I pray that I might be able to speak these words with truth and conviction. Your steadfast love endures, O Lord, and in the midst of everything, even during severe reprimand, this much remains true throughout eternity.

Teach me, Lord, and all of those who are called to minister in Your name, whatever You would like to teach us through these words of lament and hope. My spirit continues to lift this prayer and to be in dialogue with You, even as I prepare to enter my slumber. I do want to be Your servant, for You are a loving, compassionate and just Master, my Love!

On Christianity, Poverty & Wealth

While sitting at a coffee shop in an affluent area, I found my spirit grating within me. I had just been riding the public transit, praying for and talking to my fellow riders, and have been recently having my eyes opened to many of the reasons for poverty throughout the world. When I overheard conversation regarding vacation homes, new businesses and how much little dog’s outfits cost, I thought I might scream. Instead I brought out my pen and let my spirit connect with the Spirit of Grace and Truth.

*****

Ah, Lord, I wonder what I am doing here! I am deeply passionate about things that many of these people just let pass them by. Lord, what would You like to come forth out of this? I definitely hold the issues of Christianity, Poverty and Wealth close to my heart, but I do not yet know what to do about the issues I am learning about.

Lord, let my mind, heart, body and passions be fertile ground for Your Spirit’s seed. May the pathos and teachings of Jesus till the soil and nourish the tree of life taking root, and may the harvest be full, abundant and for Your glory. Please grant me courage and wisdom and inspiration to speak, act and write in ways that would grow Your Kingdom. Is there someone here You would like me to talk to today, or maybe to learn from them, or maybe simply to overcome my own prejudices?

Father, forgive me for just looking at the surface instead of the poverty within the conversation around me. Please help me to see people as You see them. Lord Jesus, You looked at the rich man with pity, mercy and compassion; help me to do the same. Spirit of Peace, infuse my inner being with Your grace and add an extra dose of love.

Perhaps the way to minister to the world at large is to soften the hearts of the rich towards the poor and likewise to do the same with the poor towards the rich. We are at such odds with one another and filled with such animosity, one toward another, that no compassion is shown.

I wonder what the churches around these areas, and others like them, teach about money. Lord, please let Your truth be known! Help the rich and poor to dialogue together. Help us to listen to one another in compassion and love.

What do You say, Lord? What would an ideal economic structure look like and how could we go about fostering such a system within our communities? I trust that Your Spirit will flow through my studies and dialogues to help me reflect Christ in my paper on this topic, but also in my life, teaching, writing, prayers, reflections, worship leadership, art, song and dance.

Oh Jesus, Beloved, when You walked the earth in the flesh, how did You feel towards Rome? I sometimes focus on the poor and other underdogs in Your life and forget that You also walked and talked and ate with powerful tax collectors, rich teachers and influential leaders in Your time. Always You did so to mend the broken stratification system. Always You taught those who thought they had power that the powerless were worthwhile and on the same level as them. Lord, teach me. Help me to see all people as equal. I do not want to stratify anymore. I want to break free from the system I was born into and to experience the freedom that comes from never seeing anyone as less than myself, and never seeing myself as anything less than Your Beloved. You are the Lover of all.

I want to see the world through Your eyes, to experience the love and compassion that You felt, and to shine as brightly as You shone. In order to fulfill this desire, which has been placed on my heart by Your own Spirit, I must be filled with You. And in order to be filled with You, I must be emptied of my prejudices, my judgments and my own sense of shame and guilt. O Lord, have mercy!

Enlighten my eyes from the inside out. I suspect that You are already living in every person in the world but are seen most clearly shining through the lens of community. Help my vision to be enlightened and healed by You. Here I am, Lord! Let me see with Your eyes, hear with Your ears, and to taste, smell and touch Your way as I walk throughout this world, amen.

The Infant’s Grasp: An Instinctual Response to the Eucharist

Photo by my friend, Grete Norquist

I had the privilege of holding an infant during the first portion of worship this evening. As we were singing and preparing our hearts to receive Communion, she slept soundly in my arms. In the passing of the peace she stirred and opened her beautiful eyes, seeming to greet each one as they gently touched her and shared the peace with us both. And then, after the words of institution were spoken, the wine poured and the bread broken, she began to stretch out her hand toward the table. The communion stewards came around sharing the elements with us all and her little hand reached toward the bread and the wine; she was instinctually reaching out for the representation of our Lord. Moments later she made signs of hunger and I passed her back to her mother so she could nurse. She was hungry so she simply asked for what she needed, and her desires were answered. This, indeed, is why we gather at the table of the Great Thanksgiving!


This makes me think about a sermon given this morning by Rev. Tom Steffen. He described the author of the 119th Psalm as having the markings of a lover, a connoisseur of the Divine Splendor we refer to as God; not a lover, connoisseur, or devotee first and foremost of the law itself…but a lover, a devotee who loves the [One to whom] the law points. Later he said that the psalmist was also a dancer, one whose study of the law exposed him to pure grace.

In these two statements and in the grasp of the infant at the Communion table, I find my soul’s longing and understand the reason for the darkness that has been gripping my spirit of late. Despite the joy I feel when I am at the altar, burning incense, lifting my prayers on the wings of music, (be it my own or someone else’s) or when I am internalizing Scripture like cakes of sweet honey, I find that when I depart to enter the other parts of life, my spirit is constantly longing for that place of surrender, of honesty, of fulfillment and wholeness. Nothing in this life is quite as satisfying to me as sitting at the feet of my Lord.

It is difficult to focus on the rigorous activity of studying when my heart is pulled elsewhere. I find it hard to be fully present in conversation or work or lecture when my spirit wants to be listening for my Master’s voice. My entire being aches with longing for my Beloved; I simply cannot get enough. The demands and rewards of the world seem superficial in comparison to the Deep Reality that I know when I am fully in the Lord’s presence. No wonder melancholy colors the edges of my life!

I want to sing and dance and run and skip and worship with the freedom of the little child I nanny! Oh how I long to jump into the arms of my Beloved and to be lifted high into the air, spun around and then held close so I can hear that precious heartbeat once more!

Ah, Beloved, Your creation yearns for Your presence! We are all sick with love and mourning, waiting for You to return! How hard it is to continue on when You seem so far away! How long, O Lord? Don’t you see how desperate we are for Your healing touch? Have You forgotten Your precious lovers here on the earth? It has been so long since the compassion of Your Holy Spirit was shown in powerful manifestations – this generation has nearly abandoned Your Way forgetting that You are Love. Even I cannot say that I am without doubt at times. And yet my own life is filled with time after time where Your grace and compassion and love were shown by others, and so I know that You Are… Oh my Love! Your Spirit-song is in the edges of my heart; grant me the courage to sing and to reach out for You – both looking to grasp Your hand and seeking to grasp others for Your name’s sake.


Here I am, Lord, stretching my hands to grasp You! I long to know You more, first and foremost as my Beloved, and then with my mind, and then to show what I know of You through my hands and my words. Draw near to me, Beloved, let me feel Your presence. Breathe Your Spirit deeply into my inner being and let me dance with You, in Jesus’ name, amen.

He Saw Me: The Woman at the Well

This weekend I was on a two-day retreat with several members of my learning community. We were drawn into the story of Jesus and the woman at the well in Samaria by one of the pastoral spiritual directors who were ministering to us at the time. I closed my eyes and listened as John 4:1-26 was read aloud. The most poignant part of the story for me, (that is, the point at which I believe healing began within this woman) occurred when Jesus saw her. Here I relay this moment through her eyes:

*****

A strange and wonderful thing happened to me this morning. I was seen. Not by the darting, shifting eyes of the uncomfortable neighbors wanting to get away from me as quickly as possible, nor by the scornful elders wishing to renew the law of stoning, nor by the fearful gaze of the children who were told horror stories so they wouldn’t draw near me when I passed in the heat of the day. I was looked at, seen, by a Man. No man has ever seen me as the One today. I have never seen such eyes!

When that Man looked at me, He was not ashamed. He was not brazen either. I was not a filthy garment to be trod upon or a pestilence to be avoided. I was not an object to be possessed and used and abused and then discarded on a whim for a younger, prettier model. 

No. That Man saw me. He saw me! 

His eyes did not trace my figure or burn with ravenous desire; His eyes met mine and lingered. His eyes were compassionate. A softness like the feather of an eagle, and the tenderness of a nursing mother emanated from His inner being when, with those precious, searching eyes, He saw me.

Surely this is no ordinary man.  Surely this Man is Messiah.  Surely He is my Savior.

*****

It struck me as I listened to this story that the majority of Jesus’ miracles begin when He sees someone. Not only is their physical request for healing met, but because Jesus sees every aspect of their lives, He reaches out to the whole person, healing body, mind, spirit and relationships within their communities and family systems. As I meditate on this particular passage, I am struck by how transformational this woman’s encounter with Jesus is. Her shame, solitude, and physical distress are all taken away. She is embraced by the community for sharing the truth of her encounter, and many come to faith in Jesus as Christ, the Savior of the world, on account of her testimony. After encountering Jesus, she no longer has to make a lonely journey to draw water outside of the city in the heat of the day, and her community feels the love of God and knows that the Savior has come near. Every family and community structure in town is turned upside down and healed because Jesus saw the real need.

Tears overflow as I am moved by the powerful heart-knowledge that this same Jesus who saw the woman at the well sees me today. Even when I struggle to see the truth through the layers of my own tumult, I can take comfort in knowing that I am being seen for who I am, and the eyes that behold me are the eyes of Love. Thanks be to God!

Soul-seeking in the Spirit of Truth

In response to a dear friend's concern that they might be spending too much time inside themselves and not enough time in prayer, I wrote the following piece.  I believe it speaks to many who are seeking to be faithful but have received the message (either directly or indirectly) that they should renounce themselves and strive to become someone else.  I am reading a book by Parker J. Palmer entitled Let Your Life Speak:Listening for the Voice of Vocation and I find that I resonate with much of what he is saying within the first few chapters.  Parker's book helped me identify how best to serve my friend in response.  I may have more reflections as I work my way through this text.  For now, I share my developing views and encourage you who read not to be afraid to dive deep into your own inward parts.  If you find that your early woundings or in-depth conversations with your heart are difficult, I encourage you to consider locating a professional counselor, (many of whom work on sliding scales) and/or a trained spiritual director in your area.  I can tell you from experience that these well-trained professionals are tremendously helpful in seeking health, wholeness and peace.  Blessings to you along your journey.  May we all come to know that we are the beloved children of a loving and gracious God!

*****
Beloved ~

I certainly understand the heart's tendency to "turn inward rather than upward" in the alone times, but perhaps this is exactly part of the plan to find closer fellowship with our Lord. It is easy to get the impression from outside influences, (and even Christian churches) that our inward self, (heart, mind, spirit) have been completely tainted by sin and have to be harnessed or escaped from in order that we might willfully become obedient to Christ's orders for us. The more time I spend with myself and soaking in the Word, (particularly the Psalms, Song of Songs and other Hebrew Scriptures) the more I am discerning that our inward parts which were "knit together in our mother's womb" have been uniquely created for us to be able to process, interact with and reach out to the world around us. Beloved, we are not turning away from God when we turn to listen to our heart beat, we are acknowledging the amazing handiwork of our Creative and Gracious Lord. "I praise You for I am fearfully and wonderfully made," says the psalmist, we "know that the Lord is God, [for] it is He who made us and we are His". Certainly there are times when our hearts are hardened or our spirit is wrestling with the Most High, but I believe these times are the exception rather than the rule.

Trust the Teacher within your heart. Our Lord has promised never to leave or forsake us, has promised to give us hearts of flesh not of stone, and has promised that the Holy Spirit will be our continual Teacher, Comforter, Guide and Friend -- searching our inward parts and constantly interceding on our behalf. As long as you remain open, you will not be led astray when you look within, for the Lord is guiding your discernment and processing, and is using this time to prepare you for the tasks that lay ahead.

When you are remembering things that happened to and around you during your childhood and early adolescent years, the Holy Spirit is guiding your inward parts into new alignment, healing old wounds, working to strengthen and uphold you with Her victorious right hand. When you are remembering the words that you have heard in the classrooms, worship settings and Bible studies throughout the years, the Great Teacher is solidly fixing the Word to your inward parts, letting it shape each heart beat, influence your mind and helping you to come to love yourself deeper. Remember, Beloved, that we are called to love our neighbor as ourself, and thus we need to develop deeper and more sincere love for every part of ourselves so we can develop love, kindness, compassion and mercy for the people, animals and world around us. When we come face to face with times where we have left something undone that probably should have been done, or done something one way when we likely could have done it better, these are not times for us to become self-effacing, but rather they are times when we can connect with the people around us who see themselves and others as broken so that we will not judge but instead offer the mercy, grace, compassion and healing that our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ offers to all people.

My dear undergrad professor and mentor used to say that the journey inward and the journey upward will, eventually, lead to the same place. The more time I spend inside myself, (as I have done a great deal of this summer, not without some turmoil, questioning and frustration) the more I come to sense that this saying is deeply rooted in Scriptural truth. Soul-seeking is a way of listening to the Holy Spirit, a way of cherishing the Breath of Life which flows from the Living God, and a way of acknowledging that "the earth is being filled with the knowledge of the glory of God as the waters cover the sea". I believe our inner tumult is a way of stretching our view of who God is and opening us up to more fully comprehend how very great the salvation of incarnation: (the birth, life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ) truly is. The Holy Spirit is present within you and around you, Beloved in Christ. Do not doubt but believe that our Lord who created you, who knit you together in your mother's womb, who called you by name before you were born, who has a plan to prosper you and not to harm you, who calls you friend, child and beloved, this same Lord is working within your inward parts, aligning them with Her own heartbeat, filling them with His light and love and peace, and preparing you for the many challenges that lie ahead in your journey.

Peace be with you, Beloved.

I love you and lift you up in prayer every day. Your name lies on my makeshift altar (coffee table draped with precious cloth, sprinkled with sweet oil, and arranged with art, photos, Scripture, candles and symbols of our faith) and I trust that the Lord is already guiding this process of discernment and self-reflection. This is all for His glory. Trust the process; it is Spirit-filled.