Searching for My Reflection in Your Eyes

Earlier today I spent a good deal of time with dear friends from college.  Our conversations were incredibly fruitful!  Among other very important things, we wondered together about the origins of my numerous food sensitivities.

My soul-sister wonders how many of my food issues may be a way of my body punishing itself for not living up to certain expectations, (both perceived and real).  Although there have been a number of benefits to changing my diet (including increasing the amount of natural and whole foods in my system) there are enough foods that cause my body trauma for us to wonder if there is an emotional link.

How many of my recent ailments have something to do with shame or guilt?  I'm not yet sure how to identify and/or combat it if there is that link.  But it does inspire a prayer...

Beloved,

I have a great deal yet to learn about myself.  I have much to learn about (and much to experience of) Your love.  I desire to see You looking at me.  I want to watch Your eyes as I take of my clothing and let You look at me.  I want to feel the heat of passion and compassion as You draw near, as you caress and as You love me.

Photo by Trista Wynne

No one and nothing else can fill this desire.  It is for You alone.  You are my Beloved.

Yesterday, through conversations with another prayer-sister, You helped me to see how guilty or ashamed I feel for "not measuring up".  Right now I feel completely inadequate -- as a wife, as a daughter, as a lover, as a friend, as a minister, as a spiritual leader and as a nanny.  Overall, as a person, I feel that I have failed.

You alone can make me whole. I'm looking for my reflection in Your eyes.

I feel guilty for having been born into a society that oppresses and enslaves other nations to do our bidding.  I feel guilty for living when my food, electronics and clothing are grown or created with the spilled blood of my fellow human beings.  The problems, the sin, is societal.  I feel powerless to stop it...

You alone cane make the world whole.  Help us see our reflection in Your eyes.

Amen.

Lightening my Spirit

This evening, Beloved, I spoke with a very dear friend about life, death, cycles of rebirth, dementia, Alzheimer's, cancer, suicide, depression, care-taking and the like.  I shall contemplate the details of our conversation for quite some time...

For now, I want to note how much taller and broader and lighter I feel.  The tentacles of the dark shadow that has been looming for several months seem to be receding.  I almost felt as though I were growing wings while speaking to my dear sister in Christ.  She certainly lifted my burden of sorrow.

It seems that few people are able to discuss death and loss as realities of life.  Either they become disconnected and talk simply about the facts, which removes them from the situation emotionally, or they become so involved as to become a further hindrance to my grief process.  Few have been able to listen deeply, to be vulnerable with their own experiences and still refrain from "stealing the show" or comparing their grief to mine in a way that turns the conversation towards them.

It is hard to find compassionate, pastoral listeners.  But You brought me to three this week.  One in particular remained with me long into the night.  She is the reason I am writing.

I am blessed beyond words by our conversation and time together.  I am very grateful that You have brought us together for these days following Christmas.  Like the tiny snail here, I feel a bit like I have been brought to a safe haven.

Photo by Trista Wynne

I am surrounded by people who know me intimately.  They are providing me with emotional and spiritual shelter in the midst of the storm of grief.  Thank You, Beloved, for giving me a bit of new life and for lightening my spirit during this time of communion with Your peoples.  Amen.

Life, Death & Renewal

Beloved ~

It's been several days since I've last written here... well, several days since I've written anywhere, really.  The last week or so has been filled with a tremendous sadness as I wonder whether this will be the last Christmas with a few of my loved ones.  There have been joyful moments, too, and I am very grateful for the presence of a dear friend visiting my husband's family and my family both over these Holy Days.

Still, the shadow of grief continues to hover.  Sometimes it looms large and ominous, covering everything with a bluish-black hue.  Other times the shadow is a hint on the corner of my eye, just far enough out of my direct sight not to impede my vision, but lingering in the periphery nonetheless.  I am always aware of its presence.

It has been said that the thing that sets humans apart from other animals and plants is the knowledge of and contemplation regarding our own mortality (and that of others).  I am not convinced that we are alone in such knowledge.  I've seen enough pets near death to see such knowledge in their eyes and have felt their spirits reaching out much as ours often do in our final days, weeks and months.

Part of me often wonders about the plants that You have created.  Do they have some sense of self-awareness?  This is a question I don't think any of us can answer for certain.  One thing that is certain, though, is that the blooming flowers are with us one moment and the next are returning to the earth from which they sprang forth.  New life often comes up out of the soil in the very same spot, sometimes right away, sometimes after a great deal of time has passed.

Photo by Trista Wynne

The return of the flower to the earth is a vital part of the eco-cycle.  The new plants receive nourishment from the plants which have grown before.  And the petals and leaves which now line the earth give the little seedlings much needed protection against the elements until they are able to branch out on their own.

In the Midst of the Wailing in Ramah

Today, at the church we are attending, the annual children's pageant took the place of the sermon.  I'm sure it's been planned for months to have the children lead the Sunday where we light a candle for Joy, but the timing, in light of the recent tragedies both here in Portland and in Connecticut, was uncanny.  The children were the only ones who could bring joy to the service today...

I will confess that the children's voices were not all perfectly on pitch.  Some of the angels lost their halos or had their wings turned sideways or upside down.  One of the kings nearly lost their treasure as they fumbled with the long robes on the steps.  And yet, it was all perfect.

As the young child playing Mary cradled the Jesus doll in her arms, and the older child playing Joseph helped her lay the doll in the manger, my mind was taken back to the story of old. While shepherds and astrologers and angels rubbed elbows and tried to stay balanced near the altar, an older elementary child held up a gigantic star high for the congregation to see.  And I was very moved.

Photo taken at Murrayhills Christian Church
16 December 2012

Tears stung my eyes as the children sang "Joy to the World" as only they can.  And then their time in the front was done.  They took their seats to the sound of a collective deep breath.  We had all been moved, for the Spirit of God was present.

A recent seminary graduate proclaimed the Lord's presence and invited us to the Great Table where all are welcome.  We shared a lengthy time of silence, and I wondered how many people were thinking about the time of Jesus' birth and the darker side of the wise men narrative...

For the Victims of the Clackamas Town Center Shooting

Dear Lord, we pray for all who were at the Clackamas Town Center this afternoon. 

What a horrific situation! Having been married to a man who worked in malls for over eleven years, I am deeply grieved for the families and friends of the shooting victims. No one thinks when they go to work or make a quick trip to the store that it will be the last thing they do... 

We lit a candle for peace this week, Lord. We pray for mercy and peace.

Comfort the grieving. Hold the shocked close to Your heart. And show us, Lord, how we can help, and how we can prevent such tragedies in the future. 

Lord, have mercy! Christ, have mercy! Lord, have mercy!

A Note of Gratitude

Beloved,

I want to express my gratitude for Your Presence this weekend.  As I traveled north for a couple of days, You used the time to clear the air.  You filled my lungs with the Breath of Your Spirit and wrapped Your arms about me through the embraces from my brothers and sisters in Christ.

I am incredibly thankful for this breath of fresh air and the peace You gave me during this time.  I am filled with joy in the presence of my brother and sisters who have prayed with me for many years.  Snuggling on the couch, mulling over the life questions, wondering together what You are in the midst of doing in our lives, and allowing the questions to linger -- without simple platitudes or easy answers, without context-less Scripture passages and promises that have no backing -- simply listening together to Your silence.  That is exactly what I needed.

I am thankful.

For the music and the prayers and the welcome of my St Thomas family, for the love and the joy and the smiles, for the way You met me in the bread and the wine and the arms of my brothers and sisters, I am very thankful.  I wept with joy at the Eucharist table.  My spirit danced in the midst of the crowd.  I could have sprouted wings and flown to the rooftops in the breaking of bread and pouring forth of the wine.

Thank You for meeting me there.

Thank You for bringing me home.

Thank You.

Thank You.

Thank You.

In a Sea of Questions

Beloved,

Today my husband lost his job.

I haven't a clue what to say.

I am floundering in a sea of questions.  Tumbling in the dryer of life.  Flattened by the steamroller of sadness.

What will we do?

What will You do?

Dear Lord, have mercy...

Political Pondering

Beloved,

As I sit here wondering whose face will represent our country for the next four years, I wonder what You think of all this political craziness and upheaval.  I wonder if any of the potential leaders have the humility and depth of character to look to You for real guidance.  How many nation leaders spend time in meditation and focusing of their life-force energy which flows forth from Your own Spirit?

What would happen if we all desired peace above war, life above death, hope above fear and love above hate?

What if these were the values we looked for in a leader?  How might the world be different?

What would it take for our country to shine like the stars in the heavens, and to be light and a healing balm for the world?

You alone know.

A Glimmer of Light

Beloved,

Thank You for this sweet family I nanny for!  They left me a special thank you love note this morning. And it made my day.

I had woken up particularly angry and depressed this morning.  I simply wanted to crawl back into bed with my husband, but I got up anyway because I am needed.  And I came to work and discovered a random note of gratitude from the mother I nanny for.

You, O Lord, knew how much I needed this note of thanksgiving today.  Despite my lack of understanding regarding my present calling, You are finding ways to help me feel purpose.  I am so thankful for the way you are speaking to me through this family.  What a gift they are to me!

Thank You, Beloved, for this glimmer of light and hope in the darkness that has been.

Thank You for this love.

Within our Darkest Night

Beloved,

I continue to experience the dark night of the soul.  Little has any draw or appeal.  I eat because my body makes me, not because it is at all desirable.  I move and get out of bed because I am needed.  But I have no oomph.  My spark, my fire, is flickering as though in a violent wind.

Can anyone help to lift the burden of despair this morning?  You, O Lord, know.  And what of the sea of emotion churning so rapidly within?  How can words begin to express them?  They are nonsensical. And so is the task of attempting to articulate them...

*sigh*

I wish I could feel Your Presence, Dear One.  Today I feel far from you.  I trust that You are near, but something is in the way of my hearing of your heartbeat.

Clear the air, Beloved.  Until I can see, hear, smell and feel You again I will wait.  I wait and watch for the light of the Dawn.

Ebb & Flow: The Rise and Fall of the Stormy Sea

Beloved, 

Watching someone you love slowly fading away is very difficult... 

The intense tumult of emotion resting just beneath the surface is something I fear few would want to endure. I don't even want to endure it myself. But if I don't say that I'm hurting, I am attempting to deceive myself and You, and failing miserably at both. 

"Incoming Storm" - Photo by Trista Wynne

A storm is brewing! Lightning! Thunder! Waves crashing overhead! The boat is sinking! Everybody out! 

With one last breath I cry: “I am strong! This will not take me! I will not sink quietly into the deep!”

Praying with the Church

Today, while the baby I nanny sleeps in the next room, I join my brothers and sisters throughout the world walking through the Order of Holy Eucharist in the Book of Common Prayer.  In particular, I join my sisters and brothers at St Thomas Medina where I served as Children's and Youth Intern over this last summer.  They have a mid-week Eucharist service at ten o'clock every week.  I have been a part of their worshipping community for two and a half years.  Now I join them from a different state, but my spirit continues to be with them.  So, today I am reading along with them.

I have come to the part in the service where the Prayers of the People are being offered up.  We are called to pray:

• For the Universal Church, its members and its mission
• For the Nation and all in authority
• For the welfare of the world
• For the concerns of the local community
• For those who suffer and those in any trouble
• For the departed and those who grieve

And so, let us join together in prayer: 

Beloved,

We ask for Your Church to be comprehensive in vision, open in inclusion, willing in service, quick to love and slow to judge.  We ask for hope and light and wisdom to be poured out upon the world in Jesus' name through Your Church.  And we pray for the same to come to pass through the world towards Your Church so that all in Your service will recall that You are Lord over all the earth.

We pray for our nation, torn in battle over who is the greatest.  We pray for wisdom and discernment for all who are in leadership.  We pray for our president, for our senators, for our congress-folk, for all in the administrative cabinet, for all who are in service to our country, for our mayors and governors, our state leaders, our tribal councils, and all elected and influential people.  Beloved, may the work of Your Kingdom: the Kingdom of peace, love, light and grace become evident through the words and actions of our leaders.  May we seek justice, love mercy and abide in steadfast love and faithfulness as a nation.  May we not turn our backs on the poor, the oppressed, the alien, the widow, the mistreated, the social outcast, the mentally ill, the physically disabled or any other people group.  May we work diligently as a nation to remove poverty, to pursue social equity, to provide health and mental health coverage to all regardless of gender, race, creed, sexual orientation or legal status.  May we learn not to discriminate against our neighbors, but to embrace them in love and respect.  In these ways, the world may know that You are here.

We pray for the world.  We lift up our sisters and brothers from all nations who are feeling the effects of war, poverty, abusive regimes, tyranny, genocide and all kinds of horrific atrocities that make Your heart sick.  We pray that You will work through the governments of the world to restore justice and mercy to the ends of the earth.  We pray for the women throughout the world who do not have equal access to education: may true equality be seen throughout the world!  We pray for all who are bullied or ostracized on account of sexual orientation: may discrimination and mistreatment cease!  We pray for children who are abused or neglected: may they no longer slip under the radar of a broken system!  May Your light shine brightly to expose the problems in our systems, and may Your Light and Wisdom be granted to all of us so that we might work together to fix what is broken in our societies.  Then all may know that You are God.

We pray for our own cities and towns.  We ask for You to again help us to pursue justice and equity in our neighborhoods, in our congregations, in our community centers, in our work places, in our homes and in our schools.  We pray for Your Holy Spirit to guide our interactions with all whom we meet.  May Your light shine so brightly through us that the people around us may see and know that You are Love.

We pray for the wounded.  We lift up the mentally ill.  We pray for the grieving.  We pray for our brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews, grandparents and parents, neighbors and friends who are struggling financially, emotionally, physically or mentally.  We pray for those who are in need of surgery, for those who cannot afford health care and therefor neglect their bodies to the point that they cannot be mended and for those who cannot afford mental health coverage.  We pray for all who do not yet know that they have a terminal illness.  We pray for the doctors, the nurses and the entire healthcare teams throughout the world who are working to provide care and searching for better treatments for the illnesses that plague all of us.  We pray for the animals You created: may they be treated with dignity and respect.  May those who are raised for food be ethically treated and receive good lives.  May those who enter our homes and our properties as domestic animals receive love, proper nutrition and care.  May those who have suffered abuse and neglect be rescued and find better homes!  May any organization that allows or promotes the abuse or neglect of Your creatures be exposed and destroyed.  May all of Your creatures be viewed as beautiful and seen as gifts of Your grace, works of Your hand and therefore loved and honored in Your name.

We pray for hospice workers: nurses, chaplains, volunteers and therapists of all kinds.  May they receive abundant grace, be filled with great wisdom and be treated with deep gratefulness by all.  We pray for the dying, that they might receive therapies, herbs and medicine that will ease their pain and discomfort.  We pray that they might receive all the treatments they need to ease their transition from this life to the next.  We pray for the chaplains and spiritual leaders who minister to them and to their families.  We pray for those who have already passed from life to Life, that they might receive a gentle repose and may know the Love and Light and Peace that is your own heart.  May we all be reunited in You when the time is proper.

In Jesus' name through the Holy Spirit we pray, 

Amen.

Joy in the Season

Beloved,

Thank you for the laughter of little ones to begin my day.  Thank you for the precious gifts of your flowers and fruits.  As I walked this morning with the baby I nanny, we were delighted to watch the crows and robins soaring in the air. 


Tiny fingers stretched forth from the stroller to grasp and examine the lovely periwinkle flowers poking through a chain-link fence.  The humming of the bumble bees on the last bit of blooming lavender brought squeals of joy from us both.  And all I can say is thank you. 

May tomorrow's observations of Your creation be just as blessed, in Jesus' name, amen.

Sitting on the Shore: Preparing for Retreat Time

"Sitting in the Sand" - Photo by Trista Wynne

This weekend I will be heading to the beach for a personal retreat: just me, the waves, a little cottage and my God.  The labels give you an idea of what the last few months have been like as I've donned the cap and gown of seminary studies, (wrapping up the final quarter this summer -- halfway through today) pondered the last ten years, (I've been married for a decade now) thought about whether or not to move back near or into our childhood town, been wrestling with a change of direction in my calling, figuring out how best to support aging parents, and pondering a whole host of other topics.  Wondering what is in store for, I simply record a little prayer before returning to my packing.  I wonder what this weekend will reveal...


Beloved,

It's been a little while since I've felt your presence in a palpable way.  I see glimpses of You in the faces and actions of the dear ones at my internship site, and Your love and grace are evident in this place.  And yet, it seems that You and I have been separated for a time.

Questions and chaos about the present and future seem to swirl around me.  Have I gone into hiding on account of the storm?  Are You in the midst of it?  Have You  been listening?  Have I been talking to You?  Have I been listening?

The winds and debris are swirling so wildly.  Questions of "helpful" people wanting me to land on a direction pummel me like tsunami waves.  I have enough doubts to make Your Thomas look like one who never questioned.

What Does it Mean to Trust You?

Beloved,

One of my dear friends recently shared how difficult it is to trust You, especially in times of transition.  This one does believe that things will work out and has experienced your faithfulness and provision on several occasions and yet still finds it difficult to trust.  This friend is not alone.  Countless others have conversed with me about the difficulty they have trusting You.  For many, it's easier to not believe that You exist at all than it is to examine what it means when we use the phrase, "God is good".

Like my friend and countless others, I, too, have difficulty trusting You.  It is hard to admit that at the end of my seminary studies I may be no closer to comprehension or faith or trust than I was at the beginning.

Something, however, has shifted.  This time of study, of fellowship, of exploration of Your Community -- it has shifted my perspective.  As of yet, I cannot articulate how.

Experiencing a Season of Pruning

This morning began with dark clouds, both inside and out, but the dishes got done, I ate and showered and prepared for the day anyway. At St Thomas Episcopal this morning, Father Lex spoke on Jesus' parable of the vine and branches. When he said that part of abiding in Jesus is embracing the pruning and letting go of the parts of our lives that are dying, my tears spilled over. 

Letting go when someone you love is on a timeline...dear God...it's not a pleasant road...fear, anxiety, grief, indigestion, deep sadness, anger, questions -- all follow me everywhere.  Yet, for a bit of time on this day that began so dark, though, the clouds lifted.

After Eucharist we pray for one another with the laying on of hands and anointing oil. Thank God for this precious service! Sun broke through, a little at a time, both inside and out. I'm thankful for these moments and even hours of light and love while I walk the road of shadows. I'm very thankful for this precious community of faith.

Dreaming of Home

Then I considered all that...hands had done
and the toil...spent in doing it,
 all was vanity and a chasing after wind,
and there was nothing to be gained under the sun.
~ Eccl. 2:11 ~

Yesterday, in the wee hours of the morning, I dreamed that my husband and I were looking for an apartment complex, looking for a home where we belonged.

Photo by
Matthew Wynne

We began near many large, elegant looking buildings where sports cars gleamed and jewels were strewn about well-manicured lawns.  Gardeners baked in the sun.  Maids wilted on front porches.  Striving, oppression and emptiness were there.

We drove to the darker side of town.  Oil can fires burned bright.  Dogs barked and fought.  Distant sounds children wailing echoed off the barren walls.  Striving, oppression and emptiness were there.

The road curved.  Nearing a forested area with deer peacefully enjoying their bits of grass, we came to a stop by a little apartment housing made of dark, well-weathered cherry-wood.  The keys were drawn from the ignition and our feet reached for the bark chips on the ground.  Hand reached for hand.  There we stood, taking in the serenity around us.  We breathed in deeply and walked towards the buildings for a closer look.

Born to be a Healer

Psalm 139:13
Photo by friend Justin Foltz
Used with permission.

One of my dear friends and prayer partners who is working as a Bible translator in Asia mailed a special book to me for the holidays.  I just received it yesterday.  The book is entitled Whispers of His Word: Encountering Jesus.  It is a journal with brief verses and writing prompts to focus us in on the heart of God.

Last night I read the introduction and turned to the first entry page.  There I found Psalm 139:13.

For You created my inmost being;
You knit me together in my mother's womb.

The prayer prompt begins by addressing our Lord as the creative, loving father who crafted us in our mother's womb and knew every fiber of our being before we even took our first breath beginning a journey of self-discovery that lasts throughout our lives.  Daddy, Papa, Abba, You made me so wonderful.  Why?

The lines in the journal remained blank as I simply breathed deeply and asked the Holy Spirit to come and touch me:   

Come, Sophia, Creative Energy, Dancing Child.  
Come, draw near and whisper in my ear.  
Come, draw close, and fill me with Your presence.  
Come, and let me draw near to You.